Many Pagans worship the triple Goddess — the maiden, the mother, and the crone. I spent 37 years of my life as a “maiden”. I had always wanted kids, but finally found myself in a place in life where I felt like I could have one. The birth itself wasn’t exactly a miraculous experience. After a number of factors, I ended up giving birth via c-section while very drugged up. At first, I was afraid to hold my baby because my hands were so shaky due to the morphine. After that, I was awake for 24 hours straight due to extreme itchiness (also due to the morphine). I was overtired and drugged up and afraid that I would fall asleep and drop him. Thankfully, my family more than made up for my lack of holding him! I worried that I didn’t hold him enough in those first days.
It seemed like motherhood was a constant state of worrying. I worried whether or not my son was getting enough to eat. I worried whether or not I was producing enough breast milk. Before he was 6 months old, I worried about SIDS. After he was 6 months old, I worried about him putting something in his mouth and choking. It seemed like no matter how well we scanned the area where he played, new items that he wasn’t supposed to have would turn up. Like a bottle cap. Or a penny. It was probably because of our cats, but it was still a constant worry. I was also worried about him choking on food. Or having a severe allergy to one of the foods we give him and him not getting to the hospital in time.
Motherhood was also a joy. I watched how he looked at the world with wonder in his eyes. It wasn’t long before he learned to smile. Then he smiled at everyone. He smiled a lot. He was the happiest little boy ever! I loved snuggling him to sleep, even when he lost the newborn smell. I loved playing with him when he crawled around. Some days it was heartbreaking going to work. It didn’t help that I hated my job. It was super sweet when he learned to crawl, that he would hear the door open and he’d crawl to the nearest baby gate to the entrance to wait for me with a giant grin on his face. He started to do other things like feed himself and clap. He loved all of it. So did I!
It seems that there are two faces to motherhood — worrying and loving. Either way, I don’t feel much like a Goddess. I don’t feel like my womb is divine, even though my body looks more like the Goddess of Willendorf every day. For all mothers out there, how do you associate motherhood with the mother aspect of the Goddess?
My first birth was in a hospital after 43+ hours of labor, but my second was a comparatively quick one in a stand-alone birthing center in the country, attended only by my husband,my midwife and Mary, my birthing class instructor, who I was very fond of. The midwife let Mary do all the coaching. Moments after Suki was born, I exclaimed, “NOW I feel like a goddess!” Mary said she used that line for years after in her birthing classes, and the first-time mothers in particular seemed to appreciate it. There is such an overwhelming flood of negativity about the birthing process that gets passed on to first-time mothers, and it is important to keep them feeling as empowered as possible. Not everyone can have the birth experience they’ve hoped for, as you found out, but if you don’t know at all that a good birthing experience is possible, you’ll be less likely to have one.