Plant plants. Depending on where you live, this may or may not be a good time to plant plants outside. You can also start seeds inside if it’s too cold outside to plant anything yet.
Dye eggs. Eggs have been a symbol of death and rebirth for over 60,000 years. However, dying them is one of the few traditions that do have Christian origins. It was the early Christians in Mesopotamia that dyed eggs red to symbolize Christ’s blood. Though there are a few sources that link it to Germanic Pagan practices as well. Either way, you can still enjoy dying eggs. There are many online tutorials explaining natural dying methods, or you can get a kit from the store.
Have an egg hunt. Whether it’s plastic eggs with toys or candy inside or actual eggs, this can be a lot of fun, especially with kids.
Balance an egg. I know that this seems weird, but it can be done! Supposedly this is one of two days a year where this is possible.
Go for a walk outside. No matter what climate you live in, this is a great way to connect with nature and whatever Ostara feels like where you live.
Decorate your home or altar with flowers. Flowers are another symbol of the fertility of the season.
Go flower picking. Many areas have flowers that grow naturally. Go for a walk and find them!
Make flower crowns or necklaces.
Make foods related to the time of year. Make and eat foods with eggs, baby greens, veal, rabbit, or any foods that are in season for you right now.
Plan a garden. This is a great time to plan a garden, unless the planting season has already begun.
Decorate a tree with wooden painted eggs. Many people decorate outside trees with plastic eggs, but wooden eggs are an environmentally friendly alternative.
Decorate your home with symbols of new life. Bunnies, chicks, baby animals, seedlings, flowers are all fun things to decorate your home with.
Have some intimate time. Fertility is a big part of this holiday, though there are some superstitious people who don’t do it during this unless they’re trying to conceive.
Bake. Challa, hot cross buns, bunny or egg shaped cookies are all things that are appropriate for this season.
Read stories about the season. Read about the Green Man or Persophone. There are many stories about this time of year.
Do animal magic. This can be anything from pretending to be an animal with young kids to doing actual shamanic work.
Go bird watching. Birds tend to be more active this time of year. You may want to learn some nice calls as well.
Dance. Find some music and let yourself go!
Do an Ostara ritual. One of these days I will get around to writing some rituals for each sabbat. When I do that, I will post the link here.
Dress in new clothes. This is an old custom for this time of year.
Make a Swedish Snow Lantern. This is a fun way to enjoy the snow, involve kids, and candles. If you live somewhere there is snow, this is a great way to spend the day.
Make a Brigid’s Cross. The Goddess Brigid is always a big part of Imbolc. This cross is usually hung over or near the entry doorway for protection?
Light candles. Candles are used as a form of sympathetic magic to help bring the sun and the warmth back after winter.
Clean your home. A long time ago, our ancestors that lived in colder climates, virtually spent all of their time indoors. As a result, their homes were well-kept during this time.
Declutter your home. Again, one of the themes of this day is about hearth and home. If you have more items than you need, take the time to figure out what you no longer need and donate, sell, or give it to someone who needs it.
Cleanse your home. Every so often, homes have negative energy build up. Now is a great time to cleanse your home of that negativity.
Do guided meditations. A lot of this day is about stillness as well. Search YouTube and find some guided meditations that you like.
Do inner work. Do lit work. Do shadow work. Learn to lucid dream, astral project, or shamanic journeying. The important this is to improve your spirituality by learning something new.
Unplug all electronics for the day. This should be a day of calm self-refllection. Electronics tend to ruin that. Turn off all electronics. If it’s something that you find difficult to do, you may want to make it a habit. Back when I was learning to meditate, I was encouraged to do it during down time like waiting in line at the post office or grocery store. However, that’s the time when most of us pull out our phones now, robbing us of those opportunities.
Light your home by candlelight for the night. I always loved candlelight. It really seems to make things seem special. It gives enough light for interactions with family and friends, but not really enough for solo activities.
Make and eat foods made with milk and dairy products. This is probably the least-celebrated of all of the Sabbats, historically. I think there were only two cultures that celebrated it, back in the day. Those that did, celebrated it because after a long and hard winter, the goats started to lactate again, giving everyone milk and cheese to eat. You don’t have to go out of your way to get goats milk and cheese, but if you do, my favorite is gjetost, a Norwegian goat cheese. But really anything to do with dairy is great. We have a homemade Mac & cheese recipe we like. Ice cream or cheesecake are also fun options. Here is a link to some other cooking options for Imbolc.
Make your own cheese. Making your own cheese is surprisingly easy. The tough part is finding creamline milk that hasn’t been ultra pasteurized. I am lucky that I have a dairy up the road that sells milk like that! Here is a how-to guide on making simple cheese at home.
Read books to improve your spiritual knowledge. There are so many great Pagan books out there. There is also a lot of fluff out there too. In order to find a good book nowadays I usually go off the recommendations of friends or go to an actual bookstore and flip through the book first. You can also try the inter-library loan system. Unfortunately, where I live, they don’t have a lot of Pagan books, even for inter-library loan.
Feed animals who might be struggling through the winter. Those of us whose ancestors lived in cold climates struggled with having enough to eat throughout the winter. Animals still experience that struggle. If you live in a cold climate, consider leaving out some food for them.
Take a walk in the snow (if your locale permits). Even if you live in a warm climate, it’s still a great idea to take a walk in nature and experience what weather is typical for Imbolc in the climate you live in.
Create a corn dolly. This sounds odd because corn is associated with Lughnasadh, but the husks need to be dried first. Apparently Imbolc was a time they were made, possibly in keeping with the need for fertility for planting at Ostara. Here is a tutorial on how to make one.
Create a protective sigil. Home magic is something that is great to do on this day. Here is a guide to making your own sigil.
Do divination. Divination is something else that was commonly practiced historically. Usually questions were asked about the harvest and community, but feel free to ask what you want to know. Don’t have a form of divination? Now s a great time to learn! Tarot, runes, pendulums, palmistry, tea leaves, scrying, the choices are endless!
Tell stories. Now is a great time for storytelling, preferably by candlelight. Pick stories that teach a lesson, teach about your religion, or traditional stories from your people.
Do a ritual. Spend time honoring your personal God’s and beliefs in a ritual.
As a Wiccan and a music teacher, one of my favorite things about the holiday season are singing holiday songs. While some people enjoy them, there’s nothing that bothers me more than Christmas songs that have had their lyrics changed to Pagan words. I think we have many other options of both traditional and original music that there really is no need for it. Here is a list of songs you can sing during Yule. I have also created a playlist for them all on YouTube so you can play through them to set a holiday atmosphere this Yule!
Traditional “Christmas” carols that are really Pagan
1.Deck the Halls – Most people think of it as a Christmas song, but there is no mention of Christ or Christmas. The lyrics of the first verse portray decorating the house with Holly, wearing festive clothes, and singing carols. The second verse refers to the Yule log and “Yuletide treasure”. This is definitely a Pagan song.
2. Here We Come A-Wassailing – This “Christmas” song is about the tradition of wassailing in Great Britain. It stems from the idea that fuedal lords shared their exceeds with the peasents. Most people think of the holiday tradition of wassailing where people go caroling from house to house and are given wassail to drink. There are also traditions in cider producing regions of England that are more in line with Mabon where they crown a king and queen who bless the fruit to ensure a good apple harvest.
3. Boar’s Head Carol – This lesser-known carol gives the details of a feast featuring a boar. There are a few Latin phrases, but none of them really translate to anything related to Christmas.
4. O Tannenbaum – Most people think tannenbaum translates to “Christmas Tree”, but it really means fir tree or pine tree. The rest of the carol talks about how the tree stays green all year round and how beautiful the tree is. How Pagan can you get?
5. The Holly and the Ivy – It is very clear that this song was originally Pagan. The entire first verse is full of nature references . It mentions the rising of the sun, a popular Solstice theme. It also references the battle between the Holly King and the Oak King, though he is referred to as the ivy in this song. For example, “of all the trees that are in the woods, the Holly wears the crown.” Only the subsequent verses are Christian in nature, leading us to believe they were added to the song after the fact. The comparisons of the holly to Mary and the Christ child in the following verses are really a pretty far stretch. We don’t have any historical evidence that I am aware of with other lyrics for the other verses, but I think that the first verse does well on its own.
Honorable mentions: Patapan – Who can resist a carol with Pan in the title? It’s mostly about celebrating with music. There is a mention of Noel in the original language, which could translate to either Christmas or Yule, though all of the modern English versions opt to use Christmas. Another honorable mention: In The Bleak Midwinter – the first verse is full of beautiful winter imagery, but the rest is all about Christ. All of the lyrics were written at the same time, so it was definitely intended to be a Christmas song. Even so, the first verse might make a beautiful addition to your carols.
Traditional “Christmas” carols that are really just winter songs
6. Jingle Bells – A lot of people think of this song as a Christmas song, but there is no mention of the holiday at all. The lyrics merely detail a sleigh ride.
7. Let it Snow – This song describes a common feeling many of us have if you live anywhere that it snows. It is the feeling of being warm and comfortable and watching it snow.
8. Winter Wonderland – The idea that the season of winter changes the landscape into a wonderland is definitely a Pagan one.
9. Jingle Bell Rock – This is a nice upbeat song about nothing in particular. It certainly doesn’t mention any holidays, Christian or Pagan.
10. Frosty the Snowman – What Pagan doesn’t love the idea of personified snow? It’s a great song for kids, though the lyrics don’t exactly make it easy for kids to remember.
Honorable mention: It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year – I think the title of this one describes this song nicely. There are references to holiday traditions, but there is one mention of “Christmases long long ago”. Other honorable mention: Baby It’s Cold Outside – I don’t particularly like this song because to the modern ear it sounds a lot like date rape. However, in the context of the time it was written, it was more likely meant as a woman who was reluctant to leave and felt the need to say she had to go because of societal expectations of the time.
Modern original songs about Yule
11. The Christians and the Pagans by Dar Williams – This song is a favorite of mine. It tells the story of Amber and Jane who were visiting a town for Solstice and decide to visit Amber’s “Christ-loving uncle”. It is an upbeat feel-good song with some amusing moments about the meeting of cultures like when Amber’s cousin asked if she was a witch.
12. Santa Claus is Pagan Too by Emerald Rose – I almost didn’t include this one in the list because it mentions Santa Claus. However, it’s clever and catchy and explains the Pagan origins of Santa.
13. Solstice Carol by Wyrd Sisters – This simple song is easy to sing along with and is written in Dorian mode, which seems to be a standard for Pagan music.
14. Solstice Evergreen by Spiral Dance – There is some nice imagery in addition to a singable tune.
15. On Midwinter’s Day by Damh the Bard – This upbeat song mentions other Pagan holidays and ideas, while celebrating Midwinter’s day.
Modern popular music that could be used to celebrate Yule
16. White is In The Winter Night by Enya – This song evokes thoughts of celebration and the winter holidays without directly mentioning any of them. Mistletoe, holly, candles, and colors of the season are all mentioned in this song by Enya.
17. Song for A Winter’s Night by Sarah McLaughlin – Her haunting voice really evokes the sense of winter, even though the vocals often dwell on other things.
18. Winter by Tori Amos – I chose this song because it mentions some of the symbolism of winter. Winter is a time for introspection (“Mirror mirror, where’s the crystal palace? But I can only see myself.”). Winter is also considered a time symbolizing old age (“Hair is grey and the fires are burning. So many dreams on the shelf.”). Tori Amos isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, mostly because it’s abstract and full of symbolism, but that’s why it makes this list.
19. Solstice Bells by Jethro Tull – It’s tough to believe that popular bands were playing music about the Solstice for this long, but Jethro Tull was ahead of it’s time. It is sad that in the mix the instruments overwhelm the vocals.
20. Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles – While not really a song one tends to associate with the holiday, it’s lyrics very much describe the coming of the sun.
Here is the playlist containing my top choices for each category including instrumentals, for your holiday celebrations. I tried to choose videos that didn’t have to ensure songs played consecutively.
Do you know of a song that should make this list? If so, leave it in the comments below!
There are many Pagans who struggle this time of year. It seems like everyone celebrates Christmas, but we celebrate Yule. Whether you’re a new Pagan trying to start new traditions or an experienced Pagan that wants to start including your family in your Sabbat celebrations, this article is for you.
Figure out what you want. Do you want your family to do rituals together? Do you want them to do what you usually do on Christmas, but only on the Solstice instead? Do you want to create new traditions? Which ones? Do a Google search to find some inspiration.
I personally wanted to create a cultural tradition with four presents apiece (something you want, something you need, something to wear, and something to read). We would have a tree, decorate it with ornaments and natural items like popcorn and cranberries. We would bake cookies together and share a family meal. We would sing songs and spend time together as a family.
Get your spouse or partner on board. Talk with your partner about what you want. Ask them what they want. It’s pretty much a guarantee that you won’t agree about something and will have to compromise.
For my family, I didn’t really care if my son had a mythical being that brought him presents, but my husband did. I hated the idea of our son participating in photos with Santa or our neighborhood nativity play, but my husband didn’t want him to feel left out. My husband’s family had a tradition of getting pajamas and a book the night before Christmas so they can wear them and read. He also had a tradition of the kids each getting an ornament each year, so that by the time they are 18, they will have at least 18 ornaments to decorate a tree of their own. They also all sat around while their parent read “The Night Before Christmas”.
In the end, we agreed to add an ornament to the four gifts. They would open two of the gifts the night before Yule so they could read in their pajamas. We would find some mythical being to believe in related to Yule. We will not do Santa and nativity plays. We also agreed to keep stockings a tradition, but haven’t figured out what to do with them, since they only get five presents. We don’t read “The Night Before Christmas”. My husband makes a big meal for us. The kid(s) and I make and decorate cookies, but not necessarily on Yule.
Take the age of your kids into consideration. The age of a child can make a big difference when it comes to changing family traditions. The given ages are only an approximation, so you can do what works best for you and your children.
0-3 years – If you have young kids, it is an ideal time to start new traditions. If they’re really young, they won’t remember what you did last year,so you can start whatever you want without them knowing any differently.
4-7 years – If they’re a bit older, you can just make your changes saying,”We will be doing it this way from now on.”
8-10 years – They will require more explanation and possibly easing them into it. One year you can change the date and keep everything else the same. The following year you can add one tradition you like and subtract one you don’t like. You can also give some examples and ask them what they would like to include.
11-18 years – At this age, they’re more independent. Due to developmental changes, they’re starting to be more interested in their peers than the family unit. Explain to them what you would like to do. Give them some options and ask for feedback. Don’t just listen to what they have to say and do what you want anyway. Actually incorporate at least one of their suggestions, even if it wasn’t what you had in mind. If they want to celebrate Yule by staying up all night with their friends at your house then exchanging presents at dawn, let them. At least they will be on board with celebrating it, even if it’s not quite what you envisioned.
18+ years – Assuming your kids are living outside of the home, it shouldn’t matter too much what you do to celebrate. If they celebrate with you, you can inform them. There might even be pushback because it’s not what they remember fondly from their childhood. If they really have a problem with it, discuss what traditions were the most important to them and continue those traditions. If your children still live at home over the age of 18, follow the protocol for 11-18 year olds.
Take your extended family into consideration. It’s likely that most of us have some family who aren’t Pagan. Figure out what part they will play in your celebrations. Some more open-minded family members might join you for Yule presents or a Yule dinner. Many will still insist on you celebrating Christmas or Hanukkah the same way they do every year. While you can do what you want, unless they’re toxic people, I see no need to alienate family members just because they celebrate a different holiday.
When my son gets old enough to ask, I intend to explain that they celebrate Christmas so we celebrate it with them. Just like we celebrate Yule, so they come celebrate it with us. Whenever something comes up at these other celebrations that I don’t agree with, I will chalk it up to a difference in holidays. “Oh, Santa comes here because they celebrate Christmas,” then explain that we don’t do Santa when the kid is out of earshot. You may have to explain a few times. You may choose to avoid family that refuses to abide by your wishes.
Take the rest of the world into consideration. When you have kids, they don’t live in a vacuum only seeing and hearing what you want them to. They will be exposed to Christmas at the very least. You should be prepared to explain to your kids when they ask about other holidays.
I personally believe mine should be educated so they know what is out there. I plan to tell him that different people celebrate different things and that’s okay.
What does your family do to celebrate Yule? Please let us know in the comments!
Lughnasadh (the three most common pronunciations are; loo-NAS-suh, LOO-nah-sod, or loo-NESS-uh) takes place on August 1st in the northern hemisphere and February 1st in the southern hemisphere. This is my explanation of this holiday. It may or may not work for you and your path. There are a number of things that this Sabbat usually celebrates:
Fertility (in plants, animals, and humans)
The first harvest
Honor the God Lugh
Honor any other deities related to the harvest (there are many)
Some ways of celebrating culturally are:
Creating a feast with harvest foods
Baking bread
Making jelly or jam
Making tomato sauce
Preserving food (canning, jarring, etc.)
Going on a picnic
Going for a hike
Singing
Playing games, especially outdoor games
Plan a BBQ with seasonal foods
Make crafts using corn and corn husks
Some ritual ideas are:
Imbibe food with intention or energy and eat it
Make sacrifices to the local land wights, fae, or whatever else you believe in
Midsummer or Litha takes place on the summer solstice (around June 21st in the northern hemisphere and December 21st in the southern hemisphere. This is my explanation of this holiday. It may or may not work for you and your path. There are a number of things that this Sabbat usually celebrates:
The power and strength of the sun
Various sun Gods
The longest day of the year
The Oak King takes over for the Holly King
Some ways of celebrating culturally are:
Have a bonfire
Eat foods that honor fire (usually spicy)
Eat seasonal foods
Go on a picnic
Go for a hike
Drink mead, but drink responsibly
Have a drum circle
Dance
Host a barbeque
Watch the sun rise
Spend time with family
Pick herbs
Make a flower or oak leaf crown or wreath
Pick seasonal foods (where I live, this means we go strawberry picking)
Watch A Midsummer Night’s Dream
Some ritual ideas are:
Fire magic
Drum or make other music
Dance or move
Honor a sun God
Reaffirm your relationship to any deities you work with
I realized that working on improving my spirituality alone wasn’t doing anything. Sadly, even blogging about it wasn’t doing anything either. I decided to start a Facebook group: Getting Unstuck: Pagans Restoring their Path. I had debated starting it for a long time because I was struggling too. What was I supposed to offer anyone who was going through the same problems I was?
It was interesting. Most of the people had some of the same problems of time. Others had just not done anything in a while and felt a disconnect. It has been nice to discuss this with others who go through the same things. I had a few initial ideas for the discussion of just getting to know everyone, but I don’t know where to go from there. On the bright side, I have meditated 4 out of 7 days this week, so I am happy about that! I feel like I’m starting to get a small connection back and my intuition seems to be slowly returning. Even so, I wish I knew what to do with this group and how to help everyone!
Being a beginning Pagan was great! I read a bunch of books on Wicca, learned a lot, and did a fair amount of growth. When I felt like I learned all that books could teach me, I bought a bunch of ritual tools, set up and alter, and did a few solitary rituals. I felt very silly and ridiculous speaking aloud and doing the movements.
I found a teacher and some local new-age divination classes and learned some more. I participated in group rituals and stopped feeling silly every time I raised my arms to call a quarter. I learned Reiki and shamanic journeying. As I learned more, I realized I wasn’t just Wiccan. I started calling myself eclectic Pagan. Eventually, my relationship with my teacher went sour and she accused me of some pretty petty things.
I searched for a group to practice with for a long time. I was fortunate enough to live in an area that had access to several circles within an hour drive. The first one had a few red flags. They talked about nothing but cosmology, which is fine, but it didn’t interest me as much as it seemed to for them. But the biggest problem was they were showing photos from a festival they went to. There were several sky-clad people, which was to be expected in the Pagan community. Then they all chuckled about one woman who didn’t want her photo taken sky-clad, but they did it anyway, and were showing it to strangers. I realized these were not people I wanted to associate with.
The next circle looked more promising. I liked the people, but there was one woman who brought down the energy of every single circle. She was vegan, which wasn’t a problem with me, except for the fact that she would break down crying every single circle because the rest of the world eats meat and they can’t see what she sees. And it eventually became a problem. It was also clear she was missing key nutrients (there are plenty of healthy ways to eat vegan, she just wasn’t following them). She was bone-thin, her skin sagged, and she looked sickly. There was also a heavier member of the group who clearly envied her body and spent all her time plying her with questions to better follow her diet so she could be that thin. It was just an odd dynamic.
I found some other people who I really liked, but they wanted to start a Goddess-only group. Again, I don’t have a problem with Goddess-only worshippers, but for my particularly path, it seemed as one-sided as only worshipping a God. I personally feel that there should be a male/female duality in my particular practice.
I gave up looking and went to a local Shamanic Journeying meetup and some meditation classes. After a few times, I started chatting with a guy there who introduced me to his circle. That ended up being my current circle. The members are already trained and mid-level, so we just worked on different concepts each time we met. And I loved it — at first. Every year we would discuss what we needed and plan rituals based on that. I had Tyr contact me through another member of the circle. I didn’t know what to do with that or about it. It wasn’t a teaching circle.
Time went on. I ended up working in a Catholic School, so I retreated DEEPLY into the “broom closet”. I moved further away and attended circle less often. I had my son and was able to attend less often. They all live an hour or more away now and it’s tough for me to find the time to go. I love them all and respect them very much. When I do attend, I have to wrangle a toddler or spend even more time without my son (yes, it’s a no-win situation). I am still in the “broom closet” for fear of losing my job where I am very much in the public eye. Probably half of the town already knows me by sight, even though I don’t know most of them.
Now, I really struggle to find time to do anything Pagan-ish. There are no real classes for mid-level Pagans. I have been having problems finding the time for spirituality with a very mobile toddler. I can’t find the magic and excitement I once felt. I know I should be doing or thinking something daily, but I don’t even really know what to do to regain the feeling I once had in my faith when I first found it 20 years ago. I feel like there isn’t a whole lot out there for mid-level Pagans — that most of it is just meant for beginners Does anyone have some recommendations?
** Please note, this is an old post. I continued my education and at the time of this edit, I found some classes, completed my second degree, and am in the process of working on my third degree. **
As I think I have stated before, we are trying to celebrate the Pagan sabbats (holidays) more as cultural holidays. For Imbolc, we planned to do a thorough cleaning of the house, to purify it, and have a dinner with my family with Imbolc-appropriate foods. My husband and I spent the first half of the day dusting, sweeping, vacuuming, and mopping our house. Even though there were still several areas that needed work, the areas that had been attended to (clothes, books, and papers) were starting to be happy areas amid the rest of the chaos. I was actually starting to be happy with how our house was looking!
Afterwards, we all went to go see two houses that were for sale in our area in our price range. Our price range was low and everything was in a “fixer-upper” category. We’ll see how the process goes!
We got back later than expected. I was going to make cheese pull-apart bread and my husband was going to make sugar-free brownies. He was also going to make homemade cheese curds for poutine (french fries with gravy and cheese curds). He did make the fries from scratch though. They were delicious! Everyone but me had iced cream for dessert.
In talking over the holiday with my mom and step-dad, they seemed to think that there should be something more to the holiday than they saw. Not being Pagan, I expected them to just want to eat dinner with us. However, I guess they wanted some weird Pagany stuff. I told them that divination was common and I could get out my tarot cards if they wanted (I’m really very bad at them, but I’m working to get better). Luckily for me they declined. Lighting candles is a big part of Imbolc, but I couldn’t figure out what we were going to do after those candles were lit! Although at the end of the evening, I realized story telling was also a good idea, so maybe we will try that next year!
I got started with a new sponsor. She seemed to be very thorough and to-the-point (which I like). She gave me a list of eating behaviors and asked which ones I did. She then gave me a bunch of rules that I needed to follow in addition to abstaining from sugar. I don’t remember all of them because many were non-issues for me. The ones I do remember are: don’t eat standing up, eat slowly, do not do anything else while eating (like play on your phone or watch tv), do not take seconds, do not hide your eating, do not eat in the car, and only weigh yourself once a week. I argued for weighing daily and for our movie night once a week where we share a big bowl of popcorn. She was willing to allow movie night, but not weighing more often than once a week. She did not ask that I provide her with my food ahead of time and seemed to trust that I was following the guidelines, which I was. There was one exception, but I figured it wouldn’t count. I wanted a banana for a snack. However, my son loves bananas and would want one if he saw me eat it. We only allow him one banana a day because they make him constipated and he already had one that day. So I ate a banana while standing and hiding so my son wouldn’t put up a fuss (he’s only one and a half).
With this new sponsor, I was flying through the steps. She had me read each step in the book and then discuss the step with her. There seemed to be some pivotal questions to answer and then I was onto the next step. Today I reached step 3: “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.” I knew I would have to deal with this eventually. I prayed and meditated for weeks hoping to find a deity willing to take on me and my recovery. Instead, I was met with silence. I finally decided to use “my-best-and-highest-self” or “Goddess-within-me” as my higher power. I’m glad I did, because when I thought about turning my will and life into the care of an outside deity, I think I would have had a more difficult time doing it. Instead, I could definitely turn my will and life over the best version of myself. Gods know, I am certainly not the best version of myself right now, but she is in there somewhere.
I attended my fourth meeting today. I had even convinced my husband to attend (albeit in the back). He has eating issues but is still convinced he can handle them on his own. Even so, he was curious about what happened at these meetings. He was called out at the beginning of the meeting for not being part of it. The woman who did this was the only sponsor in the room (what a great example). She claimed she was concerned about anonymity (even though this was an open meeting) and told him to go sit in another room. I was annoyed but stayed because I am abstinent for 33 days today and was looking forward to getting my coin for 30 days of abstinence.
The meeting continued with their usual announcements at the beginning, including “children are welcome so long as they are supervised”. My 1.5 year old son was there, giggling, running around and smiling at everyone. He was never an issue before. In fact, I was told to bring him back because he was a sweet boy. Now I am not one of those parents who is deluded in thinking that my terror of a son is a sweet boy. My son did not scream or cry. He didn’t even babble much and when he did it wasn’t that loud. They asked if my husband could look after my son. I said he could for today, but that there were days when I would have to bring him. I brought my son to my husband in the other room who suggested we leave. I agreed with him and started crying because I really felt unwelcome. One woman came out and apologized for the others and begged me not to give up OA because of it. I told her I didn’t intend to, but that I wasn’t going to drive an hour to go to that meeting again either. I was livid. There were no other meetings within an hour drive of me (except for the ones that met when I was at work). I never did get my coin.
I received a phone call from one of the members of the meeting about an hour later. Apparently after I left, they were all discussing how they could have handled it better. They decided to add language at the beginning of the meeting to mention that all who were interested in OA were welcome at the meeting. Unfortunately, they also changed the language at the beginning of the meeting from “all children are welcome if they are supervised” to “all children are welcome, but they must be in a different room from the meeting.” There is no way in hell I’m putting my one and a half year old in another room by himself (or with another child). So basically I can only go when I had child care, meaning my husband would stay at home with him when he could. That also meant that he could not come to meetings with me. I am very angry that this happened. I resent them for the way they treated my family today. I also resent them for changing the rules so I could no longer attend regularly. I am told that the next step is all about resentments, so this next step should be fun.
