Being a beginning Pagan was great! I read a bunch of books on Wicca, learned a lot, and did a fair amount of growth. When I felt like I learned all that books could teach me, I bought a bunch of ritual tools, set up and alter, and did a few solitary rituals. I felt very silly and ridiculous speaking aloud and doing the movements.

I found a teacher and some local new-age divination classes and learned some more. I participated in group rituals and stopped feeling silly every time I raised my arms to call a quarter. I learned Reiki and shamanic journeying. As I learned more, I realized I wasn’t just Wiccan. I started calling myself eclectic Pagan. Eventually, my relationship with my teacher went sour and she accused me of some pretty petty things.

I searched for a group to practice with for a long time. I was fortunate enough to live in an area that had access to several circles within an hour drive. The first one had a few red flags. They talked about nothing but cosmology, which is fine, but it didn’t interest me as much as it seemed to for them. But the biggest problem was they were showing photos from a festival they went to. There were several sky-clad people, which was to be expected in the Pagan community. Then they all chuckled about one woman who didn’t want her photo taken sky-clad, but they did it anyway, and were showing it to strangers. I realized these were not people I wanted to associate with.

The next circle looked more promising. I liked the people, but there was one woman who brought down the energy of every single circle. She was vegan, which wasn’t a problem with me, except for the fact that she would break down crying every single circle because the rest of the world eats meat and they can’t see what she sees. And it eventually became a problem. It was also clear she was missing key nutrients (there are plenty of healthy ways to eat vegan, she just wasn’t following them). She was bone-thin, her skin sagged, and she looked sickly. There was also a heavier member of the group who clearly envied her body and spent all her time plying her with questions to better follow her diet so she could be that thin. It was just an odd dynamic.

I found some other people who I really liked, but they wanted to start a Goddess-only group. Again, I don’t have a problem with Goddess-only worshippers, but for my particularly path, it seemed as one-sided as only worshipping a God. I personally feel that there should be a male/female duality in my particular practice.

I gave up looking and went to a local Shamanic Journeying meetup and some meditation classes. After a few times, I started chatting with a guy there who introduced me to his circle. That ended up being my current circle. The members are already trained and mid-level, so we just worked on different concepts each time we met. And I loved it — at first. Every year we would discuss what we needed and plan rituals based on that. I had Tyr contact me through another member of the circle. I didn’t know what to do with that or about it. It wasn’t a teaching circle.

Time went on. I ended up working in a Catholic School, so I retreated DEEPLY into the “broom closet”. I moved further away and attended circle less often. I had my son and was able to attend less often. They all live an hour or more away now and it’s tough for me to find the time to go. I love them all and respect them very much. When I do attend, I have to wrangle a toddler or spend even more time without my son (yes, it’s a no-win situation). I am still in the “broom closet” for fear of losing my job where I am very much in the public eye. Probably half of the town already knows me by sight, even though I don’t know most of them.

Now, I really struggle to find time to do anything Pagan-ish. There are no real classes for mid-level Pagans. I have been having problems finding the time for spirituality with a very mobile toddler. I can’t find the magic and excitement I once felt. I know I should be doing or thinking something daily, but I don’t even really know what to do to regain the feeling I once had in my faith when I first found it 20 years ago. I feel like there isn’t a whole lot out there for mid-level Pagans — that most of it is just meant for beginners Does anyone have some recommendations?

** Please note, this is an old post. I continued my education and at the time of this edit, I found some classes, completed my second degree, and am in the process of working on my third degree. **