I have been very busy with work lately. Unfortunately, it means that I have had to abandon my work on step 5 for the time being. Some people have told me that I am just making excuses, but I would like to spend the short time I am at home with my son. He is more important than my recovery. Also, my struggles with being so busy only will last until the end of the month. Since there is an end in sight, I plan to put off my remaining step 5 work until then. I am very stressed and don’t need the additional emotional stress from working step 5 right now.

I have discovered that there is a big difference between an eating plan and abstinence. Abstinence is just not eating my trigger foods. Following an eating plan is a whole other animal. I thought once I knew what I should eat, that I would eat it. After all, I have over 60 days of abstinence. It can’t be harder than cutting out sugary foods. Haha! It sure was! I have yet to have one day this week when I have completely followed my eating plan.

My daily eating plan is as follows:
– 1.5-3 cups of fruit
– 2-3 cups of vegetables
– 6-7 oz grains (half should be whole grains)
– 6 oz protein
– 2 cups dairy

I decided to break it down as follows:
Breakfast – 1 c. Cheerios with 1 c. low-fat milk and 1 c. yogurt
Lunch – a big salad with chickpeas and lots of veggies
Dinner – 4 oz grains (weighed out 4oz), 4 oz protein (weighed out 4oz), 1 c. vegetables
Snacks – 1 apple, 1 banana

This food plan seemed like to much and not enough at the same time. I never wanted to eat my lunch, so I didn’t. I love vegetables, but not salads. It also felt like dinner was too much food. I left the dinner table every night with a stomachache having eaten so much. Today I took a second look at the eating plan and realized I had been doing a few things wrong. One ounce of grains doesn’t necessarily mean literally an ounce. It often means a slice of bread or 1/2 cup cooked rice, pasta, or cereal. It was the same for protein. One ounce of protein meant 1 oz of lean meat, 1 egg, 1 tbsp peanut butter, 1/4 c. cooked beans, or 1/2 oz of nuts. Ack! That means I STILL haven’t been eating enough! So I need to figure out how I’m going to do all of that. I was also surprised that I had lost 3 lbs when I weighed myself for my weekly weighing. Maybe I wasn’t eating enough food before!

I spoke with a well-meaning woman who was telling me that eating plans like this aren’t sustainable because you will eventually miss eating certain foods and will end up eating what tastes good. She had a bit of a point about the low-fat dairy and the salad. However, I did okay with the rest of my eating plan. When I asked her what she eats, she just eats what tastes good and in reasonable amounts. While that’s great for her, I don’t feel like it would work for me right now at this point in my recovery. She also explained that OA is more about abstaining from trigger foods rather than following specific eating plans. I feel like I’m more confused than every about what I’m “supposed” to eat.

I also realized that one tool I really don’t utilize much is the phone calls/messaging/texting. I am used to being so independent and not trusting anyone. That’s something that has become worse for me in recent years. I am afraid to make new friends at this point. I am afraid of losing them like all of the ones that believed my ex-husband’s lies. I am also afraid of them finding out that I’m Pagan and me losing my job because of it. There is so much to fear.