Category Archives: Uncategorized

Book of Shadows

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Thanks to movies and TV shows, most b people have heard of books of shadows. In most of these sources, these books have been in the family for generations and are either filled with spells or herbology. These are partially correct.

Gardner’s Book of Shadows

There are two types of Books of Shadows. One is more informational and contains spells, symbols, and rituals. The other is more of a journal detailing various aspects of Paganism in your life, how certain spells worked, or Sabbat and Esbat traditions. Most people keep a personal Book of Shadows, but many groups keep one for the group as well. Either way, it doesn’t have to be fancy with calligraphy and illustrations. The first collection of rituals I wrote is in a tiny binder. Anyway, this personal Book of Shadows is more journal than anything. I will probably include those rituals I wrote long ago eventually.

Chorus Teaching In America (rant)

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I am a chorus teacher. I had debated whether or not to write this post, because I was concerned that it would give away my identity. Being a pagan teacher that is open about their spirituality has mostly resulted in job loss for me, so I hide it now. I did the math and realized just how many chorus teachers there are in my state alone and figured I was safe from being found out.

How the rest of the school reacts to what I do.

The thing about chorus is that it seems to be the most underrated of musical ensembles. I also didn’t start out wanting to be a chorus teacher. I was a band geek in high school. I played three instruments. I started taking chorus because I needed it to give me the 5 music credits I needed to avoid taking a language. We went through three chorus teachers my four years of high school. I just took it for the credits and because I liked accompanying for them on the piano. I went to college as an instrumental major and switched to a piano major. I didn’t realized that my emphasis switched from instrumental to vocal once I became a piano major. I didn’t discover it until my senior year when I was placed with a chorus teacher for my student teaching. I tried to get jobs teaching band, but only ended up teaching band as well as chorus in small schools.

I wish it was just me that underrated chorus as a musical ensemble, but it seems to be pretty universal. Most of my friends are band or orchestra teachers. They always post these great memes from these band or orchestra Facebook pages. I decided to look up chorus Facebook pages and came up short. There are very few chorus memes out there. Why is that? I tried to find various YouTube videos trying to figure out how to help my chorus get better and there wasn’t much either. There is something called ChoralNet, but again, people really don’t post often. Why is there no real sense of community between choral educators? Why isn’t there more sharing of information? It is very alienating and very frustrating.

I currently am the only chorus teacher in a small school. That means I get to teach the students at every grade level of chorus. I have an elementary chorus, a middle school chorus, and a high school chorus. My elementary chorus is huge with kids that mostly like to sing, learn quickly, and are proud of the end result. They aren’t terribly interested in putting in any extra time, but they seem to like chorus well enough. My middle school chorus is small. The students don’t sing loudly and is filled with the typical middle school attitude where they are afraid to show interest in anything because it isn’t cool. I know for a fact that maybe half of them really love to sing, but wouldn’t want that fact publicized. My high school chorus is a moderate size with a mix of students who love to sing and really want to be there (about 1/3 of the students) and the rest who are there because they need a music credit and because the grade will help bring up their average. In my teaching experience, this is pretty typical of all three of these age groups.

If I truly want to become good at my craft (for a number of years I was content to merely be “good enough”), I need to figure out how to balance creating a good concert, which is what my administrators, the parents, and the community expect; and teaching them what the national standards for music say I should teach them to become good musicians. Yes, they just came out with a new set of standards. While I mostly like this set of standards better, I was mostly taught how to teach the previous standards, so there is going to be an adjustment period for me where I have to learn new things. I have the additional problem of all of the students who have no interest in learning anything from me, especially the high schoolers. I think I mentioned that 2/3 of that chorus only want to do the minimum required to get their high grade that they have come to expect from chorus. These are kids that expect a “free day” whenever there is a substitute teacher. They also ask for it on a regular basis in both my middle and high schools. If I make chorus too difficult or spend too much time teaching concepts, I will have students quit and lower numbers look bad for me.

And then there is the topic of guys. Once there is a specific section for guys in middle school, you need to have enough guys to fill that section. Except society has been telling guys for years that singing isn’t manly. Even if you are a guy and you like to sing, you hit puberty and then your voice stops doing what you want it to as it adjusts to a newer lower range. And this can actually happen more than once. One of my tenors is 16 years old and just changed to a bass. He complained that his voice wasn’t acting right for the last three months. I told him not to worry and that it’s just his voice settling into a new lower range. So for every one of those changes, guys get more self-conscious because they are not singing the right notes and they know they are not singing the right notes. The other guys are just there to get a good grade and fool around. In each of my guys sections I am lucky to have one that enjoys singing and wants to be there. The others just fool around.

Everything you read here is nothing new to chorus teachers. We have to walk a fine line because we are an elective. We have to have students want to join chorus. Without numbers, we really wouldn’t exist. But I want my students to become good musicians and good singers. I want our group to be proud of themselves for what they can do instead of being indifferent with students sneaking looks at their cell phones behind their folders. Ugh.

Day 4 of Abstinence (round 4)

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I got back working with my sponsor and finished going over my resentments, fears, and sexual regrets. I still hold onto a few resentments and fears after discussing them with her, but was told to just ask my higher power for help with those on a daily basis. I started doing that before I meditate. I have meditated 4 days out of 7 this week, which is a marked improvement. I also did strength training 2/3 times this week. I meant to do it three days a week to start with, so I am happy that I was able to do what I did. I am enjoying that I have more time, even though my husband is now working some evenings, requiring me to make dinner, do dishes, and hang out with our son. And I still feel more relaxed because I have that extra time with our son and extra time at home.

I broke my abstinence this week. I broke it over two cookies and returned to my abstinence right away. It was sort of intentional and sort of unintentional. I work at a school. I discovered that their baked goods usually have a small enough amount of sugar that I can eat them in my abstinence. Many of the other foods are like that there too. They have Italian ices and soda made with fruit juice. They had cookies for sale, so I thought it might have been the case. It wasn’t. They were full of sugar. I thought about asking my sponsor whether or not that meant I broke my abstinence. I thought about it and realized that if I had to ask, I probably did. So I re-set my count again. I am on day 4 (again).

My husband and I have a movie night once a week. We watched a movie based on an anorexic girl. She was in a facility with other people with eating disorders. Most of the other girls in the facility were bulimic or anorexic. There was one “token” fat girl who was a binge eater. I started thinking about it. Why are there so many movies about anorexic girls and none about binge eaters? I would hazard to guess that there are many more overeaters out there, considering the average BMI in this country. It’s because people would rather look at skinny girls, even the ones that are all bones and clearly unhealthy, than look at a fat girl.

When the movie was over, my husband and I got into a discussion about anorexia. He was surprised about how much knowledge I had on the subject. I told him I used to be interested in it as a disorder — probably because it was the exact opposite. I wished I was able to just not eat and lose all of my weight. I even spent some time looking up their “tips and tricks” to not eating. I even stopped eating for a whole three day stretch. But because of my issues, I couldn’t keep it up. I suppose it’s a good thing in hindsight, but I almost wished for it for a while.

I am back down to 226lbs (the weight I was at before I broke my abstinence). I only have 6 more lbs to go before I get to my pre-pregnancy weight! I have 27lbs to go before I get under 200lbs (my current weight-loss goal). I am hoping to try for another child soon and am hoping to at least be under 200lbs by then!

OA Recover – Day 1 of Abstinence (round three)

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Last week was probably one of the longest and most stressful weeks I have had in a very long time. I was working 14 hour days plus trying to find time for myself and my 1 1/2 year old. I hadn’t spoken to my sponsor in about three weeks because I felt like I just didn’t have the time for it, but partially because I really got sick of sending her the same meaningless phrase each day stating that I would follow specific eating rules. Needless to say, on the day before my presentation, I broke my abstinence of over 90 days. I went home and broke down and cried to my husband. I decided to just ride it out, eat what I wanted for the next day, then get back on the OA bandwagon on Sunday.

As much as I hate that I broke my abstinence, I learned some valuable lessons. I learned how much my body hurt after binging on sugar. I also learned how all sugar seemed to taste the same after so long. I have never really used this phrase before, but everything I ate — cookies, brownies, chocolate bars, seemed too sweet.

I posted that I broke my abstinence and that I would start again two days later on an OA support group on Facebook. They just told me that it wouldn’t happen and that the “tomorrow mindset” never worked for anybody. Everybody assumed that I wouldn’t actually be abstinent the next day like I said I would. Well, I did. To be honest, it really bothered me that people didn’t have faith that I would do what I said I would do. To be fair, they were probably just judging me how they themselves would act. The next day, I got back on the abstinence bandwagon and discovered that I had gained 4lbs in those two days. I kept it up until later in the week I wanted a cookie. So I had a cookie and went right back to being abstinent. I am now questioning whether or not I really do have a problem with overeating or not.

I am currently on day 3 on my third round of abstinence. I contacted my sponsor, apologized for the long absence, and we got back to step work. I really don’t like how her response to almost everything is “let it go and give it up to your higher power”, but I am still willing to give it a try. She also seems to have forgotten that I am Pagan in that time. She referred to “Him” and I asked who she was referring to. She meant my higher power, but assumed it was male and singular (sigh). I didn’t lay into her about it, but it bothered me. Then she sent me another meme about “God” and I told her my higher power wasn’t necessarily singular or male and let it go. My first sponsor was Pagan, but required a higher level of accountability than I actually needed. I am still not sure about this one, but am doing the best I can!

People Who Prey on Abuse Victims

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I only have a limited amount of time on weekends to work on my blog. I had intended to write about other things today when someone decided to message me on facebook. After a few lines of polite small talk, she says, “So I run my own business from home that way I can be with my kids and support them but I also am trying to help other women out who have been abused because our foundation is for abused women and it hits close for me . All I would need is ur email address to do a virtual party then I would give u the link to share that way other women can learn about use and our retreat in Utah and see what we have to offer. If ur interested great if not that’s fine too”

So I finally got her to send me a link. It turned out to be a MLM company for make-up. For those of you who don’t know, a MLM is where the real money is made by getting other people to sell the same products you do rather than actually selling the product. A google search came up with a bunch of bad reviews and scam warnings for this company. When I told her I wasn’t interested in doing an MLM, she flat out lied and said, “Oh sorry never heard of it like that. No this is a huge buissness that is going world wide to reach out to women and help change their lives. Like I said I have helped over 300 women myself. Weather it was giving them a safe place or being a listening ear or helping give them the hope back that was taken from them. Not everything is always about money it’s good to help change ppls lives just for the fact they need that and they deserve that”

The rest of the conversation went downhill really quickly

Me: “And here I thought it was about selling cosmetics and profiting off of the fact that you got others to do it too.”
Her: “It’s about giving this women their power back cuz if u were ever abused u end up feeling powerless and ashamed and guilty for what someone else did to u and that’s not right we shouldn’t have to feel that way. Going through ur whole life feeling unsafe or hopeless sucks being able to give other abused women’s lives back is amazing it really is”
Me: “Wow. So you prey on people with low self-esteem to try and get them to pay $100 each to sell make-up and you call it helping them?”
Her: “Call it what u want but ik what it is for me and other women out there who were abused like me. This is a chance for them to change there lives like I did and find their true potential and beauty. It’s a chance for them to go away on amazing vacations and just feel good about their selves Clearly u haven’t been abused and I’m glad u haven’t u don’t have have to live with it like so many of us do it’s nice to feel like we belong and have a purpose
Me: “Fuck off. You don’t know me. Yes. I was abused, but I have gotten over it enough to have enough self-esteem to see you are scamming these poor abuse victims into thinking they can make money selling shoddy make-up. Shame on you for exploiting them.”

I am very angry. This is the worst kind of marketing tactic. Let’s target the people who have had the shittiest treatment, get them to pay us money to sell our shoddy product, and discard them when they come to their senses and realize they can’t make money at this. Any abuse survivors out there: please be aware of this and please don’t fall for it! This is one of the more despicable business plans I have seen to date and I am outraged by it. This is just wrong!

Why is it so difficult to be body positive?

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When you are a baby, fat is good. People look at the rolls and comment on how cute the “chunky thighs”. A chubby toddler is cute too because they are still growing out of their baby fat. Once a child gets school age, the negative comments tend to roll in, especially if the chubby child is a female. Working in schools, I have heard adults refer to chubby girls just starting school as a “little meatball” or “little chunker”. That’s where it starts. As young as kindergarten. I remember inviting the “fat girl” to my birthday party as a child. I didn’t actually know her all that well, but knew her as the fat girl. As we got older, she got bigger and bigger. She smelled bad, so nobody wanted to be around her. People made fun of her. I didn’t understand why, but saw that apparently fat was something you made fun of.

As you grow up, especially as a woman, you are constantly told by advertisements and media that you are not good enough. Your face isn’t shaped right, so you should fix it with makeup. You have pimples or blackheads, so you should use special products to make them go away. Buy hair products so your hair can be right. Your body isn’t shaped right, so you must eat a specific diet or work out so you can fit the right mold. Buy body shapers. Buy clothes to flatter your figure. Buy. Buy. Buy.

What nobody every told me was that these images were unattainable. These photographs were altered or they were taken of someone who was a winner of the genetic lottery. No amount of make-up, cleansers, dieting, or exercising is going to get you to look like these people in advertisements. There are several billion-dollar industries telling you how you should look.

Opposing that is the multi-billion dollar industry selling you food that will undo all of that. They do research into how much it takes you to be satiated and make their bags slightly smaller so you have to buy two. They do research into what tastes good and bombard your taste buds with those flavors. They add fillers and preservatives so it will have a longer shelf life. And none of it is good for your body. They won’t tell you that. Those chips are gluten free. Those cookies are low-fat. They will find some way to spin everything. And to top it all off, this food is somehow cheaper than buying fruits and vegetables that have had no modifications done to it! This is how our nation has become plus-sized. They offer cheaper, convenient food that tastes good that you can fit into your busy schedule.

The average woman in the U.S.A. is between a size 16 and 18. Anyone who has shopped in these sizes should know that these sizes vary widely. According to Wikipedia, the average size 18 is bust: 43 “, waist: 34″, and hips: 44.5”. With all my weight-loss, I bought a pair of sized 18 jeans last week, even though my measurements were larger than that. It was the first time in years I was able to buy jeans from the “regular” section. That’s good because the same pair of jeans from the same brand that was a size 20 was $50. The pair I bought were $24.50.

In addition to it still being okay to make fun of fat people, those who are overweight are being screwed over in other ways as well. As I mentioned earlier, clothes cost disproportionately more when you are in plus sizes. There are less brand names that carry your sizes, so you have less to choose from and it’s less likely you will look good in what you buy. Larger butts don’t fit in regular sized seats. When I was pregnant, I had to stop going to certain movie theaters because my hips swelled up too wide and I couldn’t fit in the seats. Airlines charge extra for larger seats for larger passengers. If someone in a wheelchair needed to fly, do you think they would be charged extra!? No. But it’s still okay to discriminate against fat people.

Nobody actually calls it discrimination, but that’s what it is. Before I got pregnant, I was the picture of health — on paper, except for my weight. But I had rolls and stretch marks, so I couldn’t actually be healthy. My doctors couldn’t figure out how I could be large and still healthy. That’s where this discrimination comes from, the idea that it’s okay to discriminate against people, because we did this to ourselves. We made ourselves fat by eating too much or the wrong things or not exercising. When, in reality, these companies are marketing all of these foods that not only make you fat, but are addictive. And they get away with it because everyone can still discriminate against fat people. They claim they are worried for their health. If they were really concerned about our health, there would be body-positive ads on tv. There would be as many commercials about vegetables as for junk food. Food lobbyists wouldn’t be allowed to influence the national food pyramid (or whatever it is they’re calling it this year).

And then social media tells me to love my body. Even though it’s 39 years old, has several surgery scars, a large pooch from where my son lived for 10 months, some whiteheads on my cheeks, some stretchmarks on my belly, too much hair on some areas, mis-matched boobs, hair that won’t do what I want it to, joints that tell me that I am either too heavy or getting old, muscles that won’t do what I want them to anymore, fat rolls, and not enough energy to get me through the day. I am supposed to suddenly love all of that? After being told my whole life that I am not good enough, that I must pay extra because I’m fat, that I will never live up to the ideal beauty, that because of my sex I am often defined and judged by my looks, but I am supposed to forget all of the conditioning and just suddenly love myself!? I have seen through that false advertising long ago, but it’s still a whole lot to swallow. I would love to love my body, but I’m just not sure I can.

OA Recovery: Day 83 of Abstinence

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I have been a very bad sponsee. I have had so much going on at work, that I haven’t been talking to her. I feel like I haven’t talked to her in a week, maybe more. I have seen her on a website we are both on offering to sponsor other people so I am not seven sure if she still considers herself to be my sponsor. I am still asking my higher power for help remaining abstinent every day, but don’t have the time to meditate and listen to my higher power. Somehow, I have been able to remain abstinent throughout all of this. I catch one phone meeting a week. Does this make me just a low-maintenance sponsee or am I just doing something wrong? I know my trust in others is definitely lacking, so I don’t make phone calls, texts, or message when I am having issues, but I get through them nonetheless. Hell, my sponsor doesn’t even know my real name. This happened with my other sponsor too. Why can’t I rely on them? Why can’t I contact others for support when I am having a shitty time with my overeating? I got my period so I have been wanting to eat chocolate so badly, but I haven’t told anyone but my husband, despite the fact that I have been struggling with it.

Somebody I know has seen my progress and decided to do the same things I did. He also gave up sugar, but hasn’t been seeing the same results. He hasn’t been able to stick with it. I explained that he’s not doing the same things that I am because he’s focusing on weight loss. I am focusing on myself with the steps, even if I am taking a break on step 5. He flat-out refused to attempt to do the program. I don’t know why. Maybe he hasn’t hit the point where he realizes that he has no control over himself.

I also discovered another trigger food for me — fruit leather. There is no added sugars in it. I am usually okay eating fruit and drinking fruit juice, but I bought a box of fruit leather and couldn’t stop eating it. I actually had to ask my husband to hide it until our son had consumed it all.

Oh, and I have only 6 more lbs to lose before I reach my pre-pregnancy weight.

This update really doesn’t read very well and I apologize for that. I have been busy and stressed lately and my thoughts are jumbling together too much to become really well-organized.

Leaving a Gaslighting Narcissist

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I am one of the lucky few that had already left my gaslighter before realizing that he gaslighted me. Most of the people I have come across are still in relationships with their gaslighter or are just out of that relationship and are dealing with the fallout. Because I was trying for a long time to heal from it, I have read a ton of articles on “how to heal” from a gaslighting narcissist. Almost all say the same thing: leave your gaslighter and do not contact them. However, none of them even come close to warning readers about the kind of fallout they can expect when they leave their gaslighting narcissist. Here are a list of behaviors that a gaslighting narcissist might exhibit when you leave or start showing signs that you want to leave:

  • Controlling money. If you have joint accounts, you can expect them to take some or all of the money you share. Alternatively, they become more controlling with money, especially if you don’t earn any yourself.
  • Trash-talking you. They may claim you are the abusive one. They may accuse you of cheating. They may claim that you are crazy and need help. You can expect to lose many friends and family members if they believe them over you.
  • Isolating you. There are a ton of ways they can isolate you. They could make you feel guilty for spending time with family and friends. They could tell you all of the mean things that your family and friends supposedly said about you. They could spend more time away from the house leaving you to have to look after the kids so you can’t live. They could arrange it so that the second vehicle suddenly doesn’t work and will take their time about getting it fixed so you can’t leave.
  • They may go all out. They may call the police and claim that YOU abused THEM. They may call CPS on you if you are with the kids and they are not. They may completely trash your house before moving out of it.
  • They may try to “love bomb” you in attempts to get you back so they can continue controlling you.
  • They may start stalking you, either in real life or social media.
  • They may manipulate your friends and family to try to get back in touch with you.
  • They may try to manipulate your kids to be biased against you.
  • They may try to take anything else that means a lot to you away from you.
  • They may withhold sex or use sex to manipulate you.
  • They may say meaner things to you than usual to elicit the emotional response they feed off of.
  • They may hide important documents so you can’t leave.
  • In some rare cases, when they feel like they are losing power over you, they may turn to violence. If your gaslighting narcissist turns to violence, contact an abuse hotline and get the fuck out. NOW.

The list above is not exhaustive. It contains the most common behaviors seen when a narcissist thinks they are losing power. If you are still with them, you need to start figuring out how to get out of the relationship. No matter what situation you are in, you can get out, you can be free. No, your gaslighting narcissist is not going to change. They may give the appearance of change, but they will never change. The only thing you can do is leave and have as little contact as possible. If you are not in a situation where they are physically abusive, you need to prepare yourself for leaving to avoid as little of the fallout as possible.

  • Separate your finances. If you have your name on any joint financial ventures, get your name off anything you can without attracting attention. If you only have a joint bank account, get one just for you. If you are working, make sure your checks go into your personal account. If you are not working, do what you can to get money together. You can check out ratracerebellion.com to find some online jobs that aren’t scams (they check to make sure all postings are real jobs). The lack of money seems to be the biggest hurdle to people leaving their gaslighting narcissist. Even look into friends or family you could stay with. Or see if there are local resources for abused people. I will list some at the bottom of this article.
  • Find people you can trust. Gaslighting narcissists try to isolate you from your family and friends. Get talking to them again. Start with the most trusted friend or family member. Tell them what has been going on and explain what the effects have been on you. Move on to the point where you have a close group of family and friends that you can trust and know what is going on. You will need them to be there for you emotionally and sometimes physically. You will also have them to back you up in case your gaslighting narcissist tries to lie about you. Also, be aware that some people may not believe you. I know it will hurt (it hurt me like hell), but you need to cut those people out of your life for right now. Also warn them that your gaslighting narcissist will try to get to you through them once you leave and tell them not to relay any messages from them.
  • Gather all important papers and documents together and put them out of your gaslighting narcissist’s reach. Whether it’s the trunk of your car, with a trusted friend or family member, or a safe deposit box, find a place where they can’t be reached.
  • Document everything. Nobody wants to think about this part. Nobody wants to think that the person they love so much would ever try and do something to you legally, but it is pretty common. If you have kids, I cannot emphasize this enough. Screenshot all texts that puts your gaslighting narcissist in a bad light (it shouldn’t be difficult). Get a recorder app on your phone and record all conversations, whether on the phone or in real life. If your gaslighting narcissist tries to do anything against you, whether to get custody, try to put you in a mental health ward, press charges, etc. you will have proof that they are lying.
  • Choose your battles. What is most important for you to get out of leaving? Would you want to keep the house that is in both your names? Your car? Your kids? Your business? Which belongings are most important for you to have if you have to leave in a hurry. You need to figure out what is the most important and be prepared to act on it.
  • Get a lawyer. See about any abuse survivors assistance you can get. Contact local lawyers and ask if they are willing to take on a pro bono case.
  • Figure out what the living arrangements are going to look like. Do you own the house and will kick your gaslighting narcissist out? Are you going to stay with friends or family? Are you going to stay in a shelter? Are you going to get another apartment? Also figure out child care, if necessary.
  • Protect your own emotions. Try using the Grey Rock method of communicating with your gaslighting narcissist. Essentially the method is for you to be boring and show no emotions since narcissists feed off of emotions and drama. The only down side is that your gaslighting narcissist may choose to do more obvious and hurtful things just to get a reaction from you.

So, now you’ve done it. You got your shit in order and you left your gaslighting narcissist. Now you feel empty and alone. You doubt every decision you make. You feel like nobody cares about you. And to make it worse, your gaslighting narcissist is doing a bunch of the things on the first list to try and regain power over you. These things will help you deal with the logistics of leaving your gaslighting narcissist. I will make another article about how to heal.

  • Go “no contact”. Block their phone number. Block their e-mail addresses. Block them on social media. Lock down your social media accounts so only friends can see anything about you. If you can’t go “no contact” because you have kids or a divorce to settle, only use text-based methods of conversing and make sure you use the Grey Rock method.
  • Get your name off of any other legal documents you can. Remove your name (or their name) from credit cards, bank accounts, leases, utility bills, loans, titles or deeds, or any shared business ventures so they cannot mess up your finances.
  • Have a plan.
  • DO NOT rise to the bait when your gaslighting narcissist tries to elicit an emotional reaction from you.
  • Be prepared to go to the police if necessary. Restraining orders can be your friend.
  • Cut out anyone who is their family or friend, especially on social media. If someone knows what they did and still wants to be friends with you both, you don’t need a friend like that. It is better to have a few good friends you can trust rather than having to wonder and worry about who is actually on your side.
  • Consider changing your name on social media so your gaslighting narcissist won’t be able to search for you. It could even just be your first and middle name.
  • Talk to your kids about the situation in an age-appropriate way. Don’t worry about making your ex look like the “bad guy”. Your ex will not have the same reservations you do. If they’re old enough, explain some basic manipulation techniques so they can be aware and protect themselves if your ex ever ends up getting to see them again.

Resources
U.S.A. National Abuse Hotline
U.K. National Abuse Hotline
Law Advise for Abuse Survivors (I am assuming this is U.S.A.)

OA Recovery: Day 63 of Abstinence

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I started working with my sponsor about letting go of all of my resentments. I know it is part of the process, but frankly, I was getting annoyed with all of it. Most of the things I told her about, she asked why I was holding onto them for so long. I know that was a question designed to help me let go of it, but I started getting annoyed after a while. I got sick halfway through the process and have really been putting off finishing it since then. She also got really judgy about one of my resentments which didn’t help matters.

I also visited a dietitian today. I had been looking forward to this visit for SO LONG! I was hoping that I would go in there, she would see my issues, and create a plan for me. Instead, she plugged my statistics into the computer and came up with a caloric intake number I should be following. Despite common misconceptions, weight loss is NOT a simple case of calories in vs. calories out. She also gave me a copy of the U.S. version of the food pyramid (it’s not a pyramid anymore, but it’s the same basic idea). I could have done that shit myself rather than take a half a sick day to talk to someone who is clearly not abreast with the latest research. I asked her what she thought of the latest research that came out that said that eating some fats is actually good for you. She said that she disagreed with that. When we were discussing dairy (I really don’t eat dairy except for cheese), I made a snarky comment about it just being on the recommendations because of the dairy food lobbying and she looked almost like she agreed with me. But this is her area of expertise. Shouldn’t she know best? I was conflicted. In the end, I was okay with most of her advice, so I decided to follow her plan. I am still disappointed.

I need to eat the following items daily:
1.5-3 cups of fruit
2.5-3 cups of vegetables
6 oz of grains
6 oz of protein
2 cups of dairy

I also need to follow the following stipulations:
– sodium should be under 2,300mg daily
– saturated fat should be less than 20g daily
– added sugars should be less than 45g daily
– avoid trans fats (any kind of hydrogenated or partially-hydrogenated oils)
– eat processed meats (salami, hot dogs, pepperoni, etc.) once a month
– eat or drink low-fat dairy options when possible

Gaslighting Recovery: The List

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I have briefly mentioned a few times in this blog that I have been gaslit in the past by my ex-husband. A lot of people have not heard this term before, not even some of the people it actually happens to. A quick Google search says that gaslighting is: to “manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity”. When they put it that way, it sounds insane. Like what kind of person could actually fall for that?

Well, me for one. I went into that relationship a strong, independent, often stubborn woman. I left in a massive depression. I had low self-esteem, emotional issues, trust issues, and an inability to make even the simplest decisions without needing a second opinion. I felt like I lost almost all of my friends along with my favorite hobby. I left that relationship over 5 years ago, but it still affects me today. In working my 4th step in OA, I realized that about half of my grudges were held either against my ex or because of my ex. It has brought the issue back to my mind lately. I joined a gaslighting support group on Facebook. Someone mentioned making a list of all of the things that your gaslighter did so you don’t go back to him. There’s no danger of that for me. But I figured it might be therapeutic for me to make a list of ways my ex used to mess with my mind and the end result.

  • He corrected my manners, often in public. This happened a lot in our early relationship.
  • He told me that I was not behaving like I should, again in public. This also happened a lot in our early relationship.
  • He did things to deliberately make me jealous (like I walked into a party and saw a girl on his lap, for example). He also claimed that he never got jealous.
  • He found ways to make me ashamed for taking joy in whatever made me happy, often the little things. This happened often.
  • He argued with me, told me that things didn’t happen how I remembered them. This happened often.
  • He told me that I would never be good at the things that meant a lot to me.
  • He withheld sex unless it was under circumstances where he would try to bait me with sex instead of going out.
  • I had another blog at the time. He told me how I ended up painting others in a bad light with my wording. He proofread every blog to “help me” prevent this.
  • Just when I was fed up with his shit and contemplated leaving, he would make some grand gesture, apologize, and tell me how much he loved me, couldn’t live without me, etc. This happened several times.
  • I did many things to make him happy. He did very little for me.
  • Whenever I cried, he walked away letting me cry rather than hold me or comfort me in any way.
  • I was bedridden for a few weeks. He wouldn’t even get me a glass of water, much less walk me to the bathroom (which I needed). My mom and sister had to come and help take care of me.
  • He told me the negative things our mutual friends “said” about me.
  • He said mean things to me, then told me he was just kidding. This happened a lot.
  • His actions never matched his words.
  • He rarely kept his promises.
  • He invalidated my emotions.
  • He rarely supported me in anything.
  • He told me I was not attractive to him anymore because I had gained weight (maybe it’s not gaslighting, but it didn’t help matters).
  • He often ignored me when he was home and then told me I was too needy because I wanted to spend time with him.
  • After we split up, he told half of our mutual friends that I cheated on him and the other half that he was concerned about my mental well-being. He seemed to know which ones to tell which.
  • He made me feel unwelcome in a hobby we both enjoyed because when we split up, most of the friends from that hobby believed him and abandoned me.

To the outsider, this might seem like a list of little things. But these “little things” added up a lot — especially after over 7 years together. Also remember that I loved and trusted him to know and do what was best for me. I feel like a sucker now. All of these things resulted in the following long-term problems for me:

  • I don’t react well to being corrected.
  • I second-guess my manners and ability to act correctly in public.
  • I get jealous and now have a fear of being cheated on.
  • I take don’t take joy in the little things anymore. When I do, I tend to keep my pleasure to myself.
  • I get overly bothered and emotional when someone tells me something is not the way I remember it.
  • I got emotional about trying to be good at the things I aspired to. I eventually gave some of them up because the emotions were too much and too embarrassing.
  • I have issues making decisions sometimes. I sometimes call it “chronic indecision”.
  • I had to ask other people to validate my decisions for years. I still have to fight the urge sometimes.
  • When I am fed up with someone’s shit, I just leave and never turn back. It’s not even an option to go back. My brain is now hard-wired to not give second-chances in relationships.
  • I get angry and emotional if I think that my current relationship is lopsided in its affection and in doing things for each other.
  • If someone I am in a relationship with doesn’t comfort me when I am upset, he isn’t worth my time.
  • If I legitimately need help and someone I am in a relationship with doesn’t help me (unless they can’t), he isn’t worth my time.
  • I have serious trust issues about friendships. I also don’t see myself as someone who makes friends easily, but I am unsure if that is due to the gaslighting or not.
  • I “can’t take a joke” now. I don’t appreciate abrasive or mean jokes and get “overly sensitive” about them.
  • I no longer believe people when they say something about themselves.
  • I no longer expect people to keep their promises.
  • I often don’t know what I am feeling because I forget that it’s important
  • I tend not to seek out others for support, even if I really need it.
  • I am overly sensitive about my weight. I also suspect that I was keeping it on to purposely look disgusting to him and keep him away.
  • I am often afraid to ask for time or affection in relationships, even today.
  • I still don’t know who of our mutual friends is actually my friend. I have mostly dropped them all. There are a few I keep in touch with, but I still question their friendship in my mind and hang out with them rarely.
  • I have attempted to return to that hobby multiple times. Each time I feel awkward, emotional, and friend-less, so I have stopped returning. It also doesn’t help that I see him every time. And every time I see him is this pang of emotional rage — at both him for what he did to me and at me for allowing it.