Last week was probably one of the longest and most stressful weeks I have had in a very long time. I was working 14 hour days plus trying to find time for myself and my 1 1/2 year old. I hadn’t spoken to my sponsor in about three weeks because I felt like I just didn’t have the time for it, but partially because I really got sick of sending her the same meaningless phrase each day stating that I would follow specific eating rules. Needless to say, on the day before my presentation, I broke my abstinence of over 90 days. I went home and broke down and cried to my husband. I decided to just ride it out, eat what I wanted for the next day, then get back on the OA bandwagon on Sunday.

As much as I hate that I broke my abstinence, I learned some valuable lessons. I learned how much my body hurt after binging on sugar. I also learned how all sugar seemed to taste the same after so long. I have never really used this phrase before, but everything I ate — cookies, brownies, chocolate bars, seemed too sweet.

I posted that I broke my abstinence and that I would start again two days later on an OA support group on Facebook. They just told me that it wouldn’t happen and that the “tomorrow mindset” never worked for anybody. Everybody assumed that I wouldn’t actually be abstinent the next day like I said I would. Well, I did. To be honest, it really bothered me that people didn’t have faith that I would do what I said I would do. To be fair, they were probably just judging me how they themselves would act. The next day, I got back on the abstinence bandwagon and discovered that I had gained 4lbs in those two days. I kept it up until later in the week I wanted a cookie. So I had a cookie and went right back to being abstinent. I am now questioning whether or not I really do have a problem with overeating or not.

I am currently on day 3 on my third round of abstinence. I contacted my sponsor, apologized for the long absence, and we got back to step work. I really don’t like how her response to almost everything is “let it go and give it up to your higher power”, but I am still willing to give it a try. She also seems to have forgotten that I am Pagan in that time. She referred to “Him” and I asked who she was referring to. She meant my higher power, but assumed it was male and singular (sigh). I didn’t lay into her about it, but it bothered me. Then she sent me another meme about “God” and I told her my higher power wasn’t necessarily singular or male and let it go. My first sponsor was Pagan, but required a higher level of accountability than I actually needed. I am still not sure about this one, but am doing the best I can!