Tag Archives: gaslighting

Leaving a Gaslighting Narcissist

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I am one of the lucky few that had already left my gaslighter before realizing that he gaslighted me. Most of the people I have come across are still in relationships with their gaslighter or are just out of that relationship and are dealing with the fallout. Because I was trying for a long time to heal from it, I have read a ton of articles on “how to heal” from a gaslighting narcissist. Almost all say the same thing: leave your gaslighter and do not contact them. However, none of them even come close to warning readers about the kind of fallout they can expect when they leave their gaslighting narcissist. Here are a list of behaviors that a gaslighting narcissist might exhibit when you leave or start showing signs that you want to leave:

  • Controlling money. If you have joint accounts, you can expect them to take some or all of the money you share. Alternatively, they become more controlling with money, especially if you don’t earn any yourself.
  • Trash-talking you. They may claim you are the abusive one. They may accuse you of cheating. They may claim that you are crazy and need help. You can expect to lose many friends and family members if they believe them over you.
  • Isolating you. There are a ton of ways they can isolate you. They could make you feel guilty for spending time with family and friends. They could tell you all of the mean things that your family and friends supposedly said about you. They could spend more time away from the house leaving you to have to look after the kids so you can’t live. They could arrange it so that the second vehicle suddenly doesn’t work and will take their time about getting it fixed so you can’t leave.
  • They may go all out. They may call the police and claim that YOU abused THEM. They may call CPS on you if you are with the kids and they are not. They may completely trash your house before moving out of it.
  • They may try to “love bomb” you in attempts to get you back so they can continue controlling you.
  • They may start stalking you, either in real life or social media.
  • They may manipulate your friends and family to try to get back in touch with you.
  • They may try to manipulate your kids to be biased against you.
  • They may try to take anything else that means a lot to you away from you.
  • They may withhold sex or use sex to manipulate you.
  • They may say meaner things to you than usual to elicit the emotional response they feed off of.
  • They may hide important documents so you can’t leave.
  • In some rare cases, when they feel like they are losing power over you, they may turn to violence. If your gaslighting narcissist turns to violence, contact an abuse hotline and get the fuck out. NOW.

The list above is not exhaustive. It contains the most common behaviors seen when a narcissist thinks they are losing power. If you are still with them, you need to start figuring out how to get out of the relationship. No matter what situation you are in, you can get out, you can be free. No, your gaslighting narcissist is not going to change. They may give the appearance of change, but they will never change. The only thing you can do is leave and have as little contact as possible. If you are not in a situation where they are physically abusive, you need to prepare yourself for leaving to avoid as little of the fallout as possible.

  • Separate your finances. If you have your name on any joint financial ventures, get your name off anything you can without attracting attention. If you only have a joint bank account, get one just for you. If you are working, make sure your checks go into your personal account. If you are not working, do what you can to get money together. You can check out ratracerebellion.com to find some online jobs that aren’t scams (they check to make sure all postings are real jobs). The lack of money seems to be the biggest hurdle to people leaving their gaslighting narcissist. Even look into friends or family you could stay with. Or see if there are local resources for abused people. I will list some at the bottom of this article.
  • Find people you can trust. Gaslighting narcissists try to isolate you from your family and friends. Get talking to them again. Start with the most trusted friend or family member. Tell them what has been going on and explain what the effects have been on you. Move on to the point where you have a close group of family and friends that you can trust and know what is going on. You will need them to be there for you emotionally and sometimes physically. You will also have them to back you up in case your gaslighting narcissist tries to lie about you. Also, be aware that some people may not believe you. I know it will hurt (it hurt me like hell), but you need to cut those people out of your life for right now. Also warn them that your gaslighting narcissist will try to get to you through them once you leave and tell them not to relay any messages from them.
  • Gather all important papers and documents together and put them out of your gaslighting narcissist’s reach. Whether it’s the trunk of your car, with a trusted friend or family member, or a safe deposit box, find a place where they can’t be reached.
  • Document everything. Nobody wants to think about this part. Nobody wants to think that the person they love so much would ever try and do something to you legally, but it is pretty common. If you have kids, I cannot emphasize this enough. Screenshot all texts that puts your gaslighting narcissist in a bad light (it shouldn’t be difficult). Get a recorder app on your phone and record all conversations, whether on the phone or in real life. If your gaslighting narcissist tries to do anything against you, whether to get custody, try to put you in a mental health ward, press charges, etc. you will have proof that they are lying.
  • Choose your battles. What is most important for you to get out of leaving? Would you want to keep the house that is in both your names? Your car? Your kids? Your business? Which belongings are most important for you to have if you have to leave in a hurry. You need to figure out what is the most important and be prepared to act on it.
  • Get a lawyer. See about any abuse survivors assistance you can get. Contact local lawyers and ask if they are willing to take on a pro bono case.
  • Figure out what the living arrangements are going to look like. Do you own the house and will kick your gaslighting narcissist out? Are you going to stay with friends or family? Are you going to stay in a shelter? Are you going to get another apartment? Also figure out child care, if necessary.
  • Protect your own emotions. Try using the Grey Rock method of communicating with your gaslighting narcissist. Essentially the method is for you to be boring and show no emotions since narcissists feed off of emotions and drama. The only down side is that your gaslighting narcissist may choose to do more obvious and hurtful things just to get a reaction from you.

So, now you’ve done it. You got your shit in order and you left your gaslighting narcissist. Now you feel empty and alone. You doubt every decision you make. You feel like nobody cares about you. And to make it worse, your gaslighting narcissist is doing a bunch of the things on the first list to try and regain power over you. These things will help you deal with the logistics of leaving your gaslighting narcissist. I will make another article about how to heal.

  • Go “no contact”. Block their phone number. Block their e-mail addresses. Block them on social media. Lock down your social media accounts so only friends can see anything about you. If you can’t go “no contact” because you have kids or a divorce to settle, only use text-based methods of conversing and make sure you use the Grey Rock method.
  • Get your name off of any other legal documents you can. Remove your name (or their name) from credit cards, bank accounts, leases, utility bills, loans, titles or deeds, or any shared business ventures so they cannot mess up your finances.
  • Have a plan.
  • DO NOT rise to the bait when your gaslighting narcissist tries to elicit an emotional reaction from you.
  • Be prepared to go to the police if necessary. Restraining orders can be your friend.
  • Cut out anyone who is their family or friend, especially on social media. If someone knows what they did and still wants to be friends with you both, you don’t need a friend like that. It is better to have a few good friends you can trust rather than having to wonder and worry about who is actually on your side.
  • Consider changing your name on social media so your gaslighting narcissist won’t be able to search for you. It could even just be your first and middle name.
  • Talk to your kids about the situation in an age-appropriate way. Don’t worry about making your ex look like the “bad guy”. Your ex will not have the same reservations you do. If they’re old enough, explain some basic manipulation techniques so they can be aware and protect themselves if your ex ever ends up getting to see them again.

Resources
U.S.A. National Abuse Hotline
U.K. National Abuse Hotline
Law Advise for Abuse Survivors (I am assuming this is U.S.A.)

Gaslighting Recovery: The List

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I have briefly mentioned a few times in this blog that I have been gaslit in the past by my ex-husband. A lot of people have not heard this term before, not even some of the people it actually happens to. A quick Google search says that gaslighting is: to “manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity”. When they put it that way, it sounds insane. Like what kind of person could actually fall for that?

Well, me for one. I went into that relationship a strong, independent, often stubborn woman. I left in a massive depression. I had low self-esteem, emotional issues, trust issues, and an inability to make even the simplest decisions without needing a second opinion. I felt like I lost almost all of my friends along with my favorite hobby. I left that relationship over 5 years ago, but it still affects me today. In working my 4th step in OA, I realized that about half of my grudges were held either against my ex or because of my ex. It has brought the issue back to my mind lately. I joined a gaslighting support group on Facebook. Someone mentioned making a list of all of the things that your gaslighter did so you don’t go back to him. There’s no danger of that for me. But I figured it might be therapeutic for me to make a list of ways my ex used to mess with my mind and the end result.

  • He corrected my manners, often in public. This happened a lot in our early relationship.
  • He told me that I was not behaving like I should, again in public. This also happened a lot in our early relationship.
  • He did things to deliberately make me jealous (like I walked into a party and saw a girl on his lap, for example). He also claimed that he never got jealous.
  • He found ways to make me ashamed for taking joy in whatever made me happy, often the little things. This happened often.
  • He argued with me, told me that things didn’t happen how I remembered them. This happened often.
  • He told me that I would never be good at the things that meant a lot to me.
  • He withheld sex unless it was under circumstances where he would try to bait me with sex instead of going out.
  • I had another blog at the time. He told me how I ended up painting others in a bad light with my wording. He proofread every blog to “help me” prevent this.
  • Just when I was fed up with his shit and contemplated leaving, he would make some grand gesture, apologize, and tell me how much he loved me, couldn’t live without me, etc. This happened several times.
  • I did many things to make him happy. He did very little for me.
  • Whenever I cried, he walked away letting me cry rather than hold me or comfort me in any way.
  • I was bedridden for a few weeks. He wouldn’t even get me a glass of water, much less walk me to the bathroom (which I needed). My mom and sister had to come and help take care of me.
  • He told me the negative things our mutual friends “said” about me.
  • He said mean things to me, then told me he was just kidding. This happened a lot.
  • His actions never matched his words.
  • He rarely kept his promises.
  • He invalidated my emotions.
  • He rarely supported me in anything.
  • He told me I was not attractive to him anymore because I had gained weight (maybe it’s not gaslighting, but it didn’t help matters).
  • He often ignored me when he was home and then told me I was too needy because I wanted to spend time with him.
  • After we split up, he told half of our mutual friends that I cheated on him and the other half that he was concerned about my mental well-being. He seemed to know which ones to tell which.
  • He made me feel unwelcome in a hobby we both enjoyed because when we split up, most of the friends from that hobby believed him and abandoned me.

To the outsider, this might seem like a list of little things. But these “little things” added up a lot — especially after over 7 years together. Also remember that I loved and trusted him to know and do what was best for me. I feel like a sucker now. All of these things resulted in the following long-term problems for me:

  • I don’t react well to being corrected.
  • I second-guess my manners and ability to act correctly in public.
  • I get jealous and now have a fear of being cheated on.
  • I take don’t take joy in the little things anymore. When I do, I tend to keep my pleasure to myself.
  • I get overly bothered and emotional when someone tells me something is not the way I remember it.
  • I got emotional about trying to be good at the things I aspired to. I eventually gave some of them up because the emotions were too much and too embarrassing.
  • I have issues making decisions sometimes. I sometimes call it “chronic indecision”.
  • I had to ask other people to validate my decisions for years. I still have to fight the urge sometimes.
  • When I am fed up with someone’s shit, I just leave and never turn back. It’s not even an option to go back. My brain is now hard-wired to not give second-chances in relationships.
  • I get angry and emotional if I think that my current relationship is lopsided in its affection and in doing things for each other.
  • If someone I am in a relationship with doesn’t comfort me when I am upset, he isn’t worth my time.
  • If I legitimately need help and someone I am in a relationship with doesn’t help me (unless they can’t), he isn’t worth my time.
  • I have serious trust issues about friendships. I also don’t see myself as someone who makes friends easily, but I am unsure if that is due to the gaslighting or not.
  • I “can’t take a joke” now. I don’t appreciate abrasive or mean jokes and get “overly sensitive” about them.
  • I no longer believe people when they say something about themselves.
  • I no longer expect people to keep their promises.
  • I often don’t know what I am feeling because I forget that it’s important
  • I tend not to seek out others for support, even if I really need it.
  • I am overly sensitive about my weight. I also suspect that I was keeping it on to purposely look disgusting to him and keep him away.
  • I am often afraid to ask for time or affection in relationships, even today.
  • I still don’t know who of our mutual friends is actually my friend. I have mostly dropped them all. There are a few I keep in touch with, but I still question their friendship in my mind and hang out with them rarely.
  • I have attempted to return to that hobby multiple times. Each time I feel awkward, emotional, and friend-less, so I have stopped returning. It also doesn’t help that I see him every time. And every time I see him is this pang of emotional rage — at both him for what he did to me and at me for allowing it.