Tag Archives: weight loss

Day 4 of Abstinence (round 4)

Posted on by

I got back working with my sponsor and finished going over my resentments, fears, and sexual regrets. I still hold onto a few resentments and fears after discussing them with her, but was told to just ask my higher power for help with those on a daily basis. I started doing that before I meditate. I have meditated 4 days out of 7 this week, which is a marked improvement. I also did strength training 2/3 times this week. I meant to do it three days a week to start with, so I am happy that I was able to do what I did. I am enjoying that I have more time, even though my husband is now working some evenings, requiring me to make dinner, do dishes, and hang out with our son. And I still feel more relaxed because I have that extra time with our son and extra time at home.

I broke my abstinence this week. I broke it over two cookies and returned to my abstinence right away. It was sort of intentional and sort of unintentional. I work at a school. I discovered that their baked goods usually have a small enough amount of sugar that I can eat them in my abstinence. Many of the other foods are like that there too. They have Italian ices and soda made with fruit juice. They had cookies for sale, so I thought it might have been the case. It wasn’t. They were full of sugar. I thought about asking my sponsor whether or not that meant I broke my abstinence. I thought about it and realized that if I had to ask, I probably did. So I re-set my count again. I am on day 4 (again).

My husband and I have a movie night once a week. We watched a movie based on an anorexic girl. She was in a facility with other people with eating disorders. Most of the other girls in the facility were bulimic or anorexic. There was one “token” fat girl who was a binge eater. I started thinking about it. Why are there so many movies about anorexic girls and none about binge eaters? I would hazard to guess that there are many more overeaters out there, considering the average BMI in this country. It’s because people would rather look at skinny girls, even the ones that are all bones and clearly unhealthy, than look at a fat girl.

When the movie was over, my husband and I got into a discussion about anorexia. He was surprised about how much knowledge I had on the subject. I told him I used to be interested in it as a disorder — probably because it was the exact opposite. I wished I was able to just not eat and lose all of my weight. I even spent some time looking up their “tips and tricks” to not eating. I even stopped eating for a whole three day stretch. But because of my issues, I couldn’t keep it up. I suppose it’s a good thing in hindsight, but I almost wished for it for a while.

I am back down to 226lbs (the weight I was at before I broke my abstinence). I only have 6 more lbs to go before I get to my pre-pregnancy weight! I have 27lbs to go before I get under 200lbs (my current weight-loss goal). I am hoping to try for another child soon and am hoping to at least be under 200lbs by then!

How I Spent My Samhain

Posted on by

I usually celebrate the Sabbats with my Circle.  Unfortunately, I have moved far away from them.  As a result, any time they gather for a night ritual, I can’t attend.  I’d fall asleep on the way home.  I thought they were celebrating Samhain on a Friday night, so I didn’t attend it.  I later found out it was on a Saturday, so I was a little annoyed.  I had to figure out how to celebrate this Sabbat on my own.

Now, Samhain is my least favorite Sabbat.  Usually our Circle’s ritual will involve honoring the deceased and I spend the whole night crying because I miss them.  Never mind the fact that the last family member I lost was close to 10 years ago, I still bawl my eyes out every Samhain because I still miss them. 

While I did decorate my altar with the photos of deceased friends and family this year, I decided to treat Samhain like a new year and did some divination based on my resolution to lose weight.  I asked how I could overcome the my issues with consistency and asked what was holding me back.  My favorite go-to divination tool is a pendulum, but this required more than a yes or no answer.  I dug through my pile of divination tools that are rarely used and was drawn to two that I almost never use — crone stones and tarot cards. 

First, I decided to draw three crone stones.  Usually when divination tools are drawn in groups of 3, the first one represents past, the second one represents present, and the third one represents the future. I drew them in the above order.  According to the booklet that came with them, the first one is The Dancer. The Dancer’s message is that physical energy can be used to tap divine energy.  Get outdoors.  Take a yoga class.  Yes, the booklet actually said that!  I used to enjoy running, but my body can’t handle it anymore.  I have been meaning to start walking, but have had difficulties finding the time. 

The second stone was She Who Knows.  The booklet discussed the inner knowing that we all possess.  I turned my attention inward and realized that it is my emotions holding me back.  My first husband was emotionally abusive and some of it still affects me today.  Admittedly, the more time goes by, the less it affects me.    I am healing, it’s just taking longer than I would like.  I look forward to the day when I am completely healed! I feel like my weight-loss journey is one of the last vestiges of the emotional damage.  He once told me he wasn’t attracted to me after I gained weight.  I think subconsciously I stay this size so he won’t still be attracted to me. It’s not even like I see him that often.  Nonetheless, it’s time to move on.

The third stone was Let Go.  The booklet said it signifies the release of emotional baggage.  That’s what I need to do to succeed at losing weight and getting healthier?  So I just need to figure out how to get rid of my emotional baggage.  It’s easier said than done.  I’ve been working on it for years.

I am not really adept at using tarot cards.  It took me forever just to find a set I liked.  I needed to use the paper that came with it just to remind myself how to do the traditional spread.   For those of you who are interested in such things this is the Tarot of the Moon Garden. 

1. PRESENT POSITION – Judgement: Rejuvenation, rebirth, improvement, and development.  That sounds about right.
2. IMMEDIATE INFLUENCE – The Sun: Accomplishment, contentment, success, satisfaction.  This sounds like a pretty good influence!
3. GOAL OR DESTINY – The Star: Fulfillment, the proper balancing of desire and work, and effort, love and expression, bright prospects.  Wow, you can’t get much better than that!
4. DISTANT PAST FOUNDATION -Knight of Pentacles: A mature and responsible person, reliable, methodical, patient, persistent, organize.  Yup, that’s the person I used to be.  I am working hard to become her again.
5. RECENT PAST EVENTS – Seven of Swords: New plans, endeavor, partial success.  Again, this seems right.  I keep moving, starting new jobs, starting over, and starting new weight loss plans that don’t come to fruition.
6. FUTURE INFLUENCE -The Fool: Thoughtlessness, folly, lack of discipline, irrationality, insecurity, and enthusiasm.  This is going to be what influences my future!?  Well, shit. I had hoped for something a little more promising.
7. THE QUESTIONER -Nine of Cups: Success, marital attainment, well-being, abundance.  Well, I do have a job I like.  I have an awesome husband and an amazing son.  I like where we live.  I could use a little more financial abundance.  Things are tight with money right now and I need to lose weight, but otherwise I’m doing quite well for myself.
8. ENVIRONMENTAL FACTORS -King of Pentacles: A person of character and intelligence, loyal friend, reliable marriage partner. I’m not sure how this is an environmental factor.  It just sounds like a description of me.  Maybe I am the environmental factor?
9. INNER EMOTIONS -Nine of Swords: Concern, anxiety, and despair.  Well, that about sums it up!
10. FINAL RESULTS -Ace of Swords: Great determination, initiative, strength, force, activity, triumph, and success.  I couldn’t ask for better! 

A few of these made no sense like the King of Pentacles and the Fool, but overall, it looks like I am going to be able to do what I’m supposed to do and lose the weight.

I also tried to do some shamanic journeying to ask for wisdom.  However, I ended up falling asleep instead, so that ended my Samhain.