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Why is it so difficult to be body positive?

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When you are a baby, fat is good. People look at the rolls and comment on how cute the “chunky thighs”. A chubby toddler is cute too because they are still growing out of their baby fat. Once a child gets school age, the negative comments tend to roll in, especially if the chubby child is a female. Working in schools, I have heard adults refer to chubby girls just starting school as a “little meatball” or “little chunker”. That’s where it starts. As young as kindergarten. I remember inviting the “fat girl” to my birthday party as a child. I didn’t actually know her all that well, but knew her as the fat girl. As we got older, she got bigger and bigger. She smelled bad, so nobody wanted to be around her. People made fun of her. I didn’t understand why, but saw that apparently fat was something you made fun of.

As you grow up, especially as a woman, you are constantly told by advertisements and media that you are not good enough. Your face isn’t shaped right, so you should fix it with makeup. You have pimples or blackheads, so you should use special products to make them go away. Buy hair products so your hair can be right. Your body isn’t shaped right, so you must eat a specific diet or work out so you can fit the right mold. Buy body shapers. Buy clothes to flatter your figure. Buy. Buy. Buy.

What nobody every told me was that these images were unattainable. These photographs were altered or they were taken of someone who was a winner of the genetic lottery. No amount of make-up, cleansers, dieting, or exercising is going to get you to look like these people in advertisements. There are several billion-dollar industries telling you how you should look.

Opposing that is the multi-billion dollar industry selling you food that will undo all of that. They do research into how much it takes you to be satiated and make their bags slightly smaller so you have to buy two. They do research into what tastes good and bombard your taste buds with those flavors. They add fillers and preservatives so it will have a longer shelf life. And none of it is good for your body. They won’t tell you that. Those chips are gluten free. Those cookies are low-fat. They will find some way to spin everything. And to top it all off, this food is somehow cheaper than buying fruits and vegetables that have had no modifications done to it! This is how our nation has become plus-sized. They offer cheaper, convenient food that tastes good that you can fit into your busy schedule.

The average woman in the U.S.A. is between a size 16 and 18. Anyone who has shopped in these sizes should know that these sizes vary widely. According to Wikipedia, the average size 18 is bust: 43 “, waist: 34″, and hips: 44.5”. With all my weight-loss, I bought a pair of sized 18 jeans last week, even though my measurements were larger than that. It was the first time in years I was able to buy jeans from the “regular” section. That’s good because the same pair of jeans from the same brand that was a size 20 was $50. The pair I bought were $24.50.

In addition to it still being okay to make fun of fat people, those who are overweight are being screwed over in other ways as well. As I mentioned earlier, clothes cost disproportionately more when you are in plus sizes. There are less brand names that carry your sizes, so you have less to choose from and it’s less likely you will look good in what you buy. Larger butts don’t fit in regular sized seats. When I was pregnant, I had to stop going to certain movie theaters because my hips swelled up too wide and I couldn’t fit in the seats. Airlines charge extra for larger seats for larger passengers. If someone in a wheelchair needed to fly, do you think they would be charged extra!? No. But it’s still okay to discriminate against fat people.

Nobody actually calls it discrimination, but that’s what it is. Before I got pregnant, I was the picture of health — on paper, except for my weight. But I had rolls and stretch marks, so I couldn’t actually be healthy. My doctors couldn’t figure out how I could be large and still healthy. That’s where this discrimination comes from, the idea that it’s okay to discriminate against people, because we did this to ourselves. We made ourselves fat by eating too much or the wrong things or not exercising. When, in reality, these companies are marketing all of these foods that not only make you fat, but are addictive. And they get away with it because everyone can still discriminate against fat people. They claim they are worried for their health. If they were really concerned about our health, there would be body-positive ads on tv. There would be as many commercials about vegetables as for junk food. Food lobbyists wouldn’t be allowed to influence the national food pyramid (or whatever it is they’re calling it this year).

And then social media tells me to love my body. Even though it’s 39 years old, has several surgery scars, a large pooch from where my son lived for 10 months, some whiteheads on my cheeks, some stretchmarks on my belly, too much hair on some areas, mis-matched boobs, hair that won’t do what I want it to, joints that tell me that I am either too heavy or getting old, muscles that won’t do what I want them to anymore, fat rolls, and not enough energy to get me through the day. I am supposed to suddenly love all of that? After being told my whole life that I am not good enough, that I must pay extra because I’m fat, that I will never live up to the ideal beauty, that because of my sex I am often defined and judged by my looks, but I am supposed to forget all of the conditioning and just suddenly love myself!? I have seen through that false advertising long ago, but it’s still a whole lot to swallow. I would love to love my body, but I’m just not sure I can.

To Those Who Discriminate Against Pagans

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Dear Discriminator:
If you ever dropped a friendship because you found out your friend was Pagan, if you ever fired someone (or encouraged someone else to fire someone) because they wore a pentacle to work, if you ever told your kid not to play with someone because your family were witches, if you ever yelled at a stranger for worshipping the devil because they had a “my other car is a broomstick” sticker on their car, if you every called someone a witch, this letter is for you.

I don’t know what it is that you believe and I don’t care, because it is my opinion that religion does not make a person a good person. That seems to be where my beliefs differ from yours. Many folks seem to believe that your religion makes you a good person and if you are in the wrong religion, you are a bad person. That, and I expect that you don’t know or understand anything about Paganism. You probably just heard “pagan” as a bad word priests and pastors tend to use for non-believers. You probably heard the section of the bible that reads “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live”. So all you knew from this was that Pagans and witches were bad. They were people to avoid.

Most Pagans are not like you. They just want to worship how they want to worship and be left alone about it. They don’t want to convert you. They aren’t interested in anything other than acceptance. Unfortunately, acceptance is difficult to come by. There are so many Pagans, myself included, who have to hide what we are from the world because we are afraid of some very real repercussions. I have been fired twice for being Pagan. I know parents who have had their kids dropped by friends whose parents don’t want them playing with a Pagan. I have had strangers see my pentacle and yell at me for being a devil worshipper (back when I used to wear it in public). I just want to be myself and be left in peace. I don’t know why, but that doesn’t seem to be possible for people like me.

Pagans, in general, believe in multiple deities and are nature worshippers. The deities vary from one generic Goddess and one generic God to all of the gods from a pantheon (such as Greek, Norse, Celtic, Egyptian, etc.) Is that really that scary? Sure, some cast spells, but it’s really just focused prayer. We can’t turn people into toads. We just feel like a prayer is more likely to manifest if we do it with candles, incense, and crystals.

Pagans, in general, arrange their own worship. We are our own priests and priestesses. We don’t have churches and prefer to be out in nature. We are really very harmless. Most believe in the rule of three (everything you do comes back to you times three), similar to the Golden Rule (do unto others what you would like others to do unto you).

A lot of modern holidays were based on Pagan ones. Halloween was based off of Samhain, the Pagan celebration of the dead. At Christmas the wreaths, decorated tree, the jingle bells, the candles, and the gift-giving came from a number of Pagan holidays from Yule to Saternalia. Easter egg dying and chicks and bunnies came from Pagan holidays welcoming the spring. Sure, most modern Pagans have a few other holidays that also focus on the seasons of the year, but our holidays focus on what is going in nature at the time. Many also follow the moons and celebrate either the full or new moon.

So in conclusion, Pagans aren’t people to be feared, we are pretty harmless, we just want to be accepted. For those of you who have a faith, please do what your faith would consider to be right. If Jesus could accept and hang out with prostitutes, you can accept and hang out with Pagans.

If you have any questions about a Pagan in your life, please ask them rather than shun them.

Brightest Blessings,
Autumn Stoneflower

OA Recovery: Day 83 of Abstinence

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I have been a very bad sponsee. I have had so much going on at work, that I haven’t been talking to her. I feel like I haven’t talked to her in a week, maybe more. I have seen her on a website we are both on offering to sponsor other people so I am not seven sure if she still considers herself to be my sponsor. I am still asking my higher power for help remaining abstinent every day, but don’t have the time to meditate and listen to my higher power. Somehow, I have been able to remain abstinent throughout all of this. I catch one phone meeting a week. Does this make me just a low-maintenance sponsee or am I just doing something wrong? I know my trust in others is definitely lacking, so I don’t make phone calls, texts, or message when I am having issues, but I get through them nonetheless. Hell, my sponsor doesn’t even know my real name. This happened with my other sponsor too. Why can’t I rely on them? Why can’t I contact others for support when I am having a shitty time with my overeating? I got my period so I have been wanting to eat chocolate so badly, but I haven’t told anyone but my husband, despite the fact that I have been struggling with it.

Somebody I know has seen my progress and decided to do the same things I did. He also gave up sugar, but hasn’t been seeing the same results. He hasn’t been able to stick with it. I explained that he’s not doing the same things that I am because he’s focusing on weight loss. I am focusing on myself with the steps, even if I am taking a break on step 5. He flat-out refused to attempt to do the program. I don’t know why. Maybe he hasn’t hit the point where he realizes that he has no control over himself.

I also discovered another trigger food for me — fruit leather. There is no added sugars in it. I am usually okay eating fruit and drinking fruit juice, but I bought a box of fruit leather and couldn’t stop eating it. I actually had to ask my husband to hide it until our son had consumed it all.

Oh, and I have only 6 more lbs to lose before I reach my pre-pregnancy weight.

This update really doesn’t read very well and I apologize for that. I have been busy and stressed lately and my thoughts are jumbling together too much to become really well-organized.

Leaving a Gaslighting Narcissist

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I am one of the lucky few that had already left my gaslighter before realizing that he gaslighted me. Most of the people I have come across are still in relationships with their gaslighter or are just out of that relationship and are dealing with the fallout. Because I was trying for a long time to heal from it, I have read a ton of articles on “how to heal” from a gaslighting narcissist. Almost all say the same thing: leave your gaslighter and do not contact them. However, none of them even come close to warning readers about the kind of fallout they can expect when they leave their gaslighting narcissist. Here are a list of behaviors that a gaslighting narcissist might exhibit when you leave or start showing signs that you want to leave:

  • Controlling money. If you have joint accounts, you can expect them to take some or all of the money you share. Alternatively, they become more controlling with money, especially if you don’t earn any yourself.
  • Trash-talking you. They may claim you are the abusive one. They may accuse you of cheating. They may claim that you are crazy and need help. You can expect to lose many friends and family members if they believe them over you.
  • Isolating you. There are a ton of ways they can isolate you. They could make you feel guilty for spending time with family and friends. They could tell you all of the mean things that your family and friends supposedly said about you. They could spend more time away from the house leaving you to have to look after the kids so you can’t live. They could arrange it so that the second vehicle suddenly doesn’t work and will take their time about getting it fixed so you can’t leave.
  • They may go all out. They may call the police and claim that YOU abused THEM. They may call CPS on you if you are with the kids and they are not. They may completely trash your house before moving out of it.
  • They may try to “love bomb” you in attempts to get you back so they can continue controlling you.
  • They may start stalking you, either in real life or social media.
  • They may manipulate your friends and family to try to get back in touch with you.
  • They may try to manipulate your kids to be biased against you.
  • They may try to take anything else that means a lot to you away from you.
  • They may withhold sex or use sex to manipulate you.
  • They may say meaner things to you than usual to elicit the emotional response they feed off of.
  • They may hide important documents so you can’t leave.
  • In some rare cases, when they feel like they are losing power over you, they may turn to violence. If your gaslighting narcissist turns to violence, contact an abuse hotline and get the fuck out. NOW.

The list above is not exhaustive. It contains the most common behaviors seen when a narcissist thinks they are losing power. If you are still with them, you need to start figuring out how to get out of the relationship. No matter what situation you are in, you can get out, you can be free. No, your gaslighting narcissist is not going to change. They may give the appearance of change, but they will never change. The only thing you can do is leave and have as little contact as possible. If you are not in a situation where they are physically abusive, you need to prepare yourself for leaving to avoid as little of the fallout as possible.

  • Separate your finances. If you have your name on any joint financial ventures, get your name off anything you can without attracting attention. If you only have a joint bank account, get one just for you. If you are working, make sure your checks go into your personal account. If you are not working, do what you can to get money together. You can check out ratracerebellion.com to find some online jobs that aren’t scams (they check to make sure all postings are real jobs). The lack of money seems to be the biggest hurdle to people leaving their gaslighting narcissist. Even look into friends or family you could stay with. Or see if there are local resources for abused people. I will list some at the bottom of this article.
  • Find people you can trust. Gaslighting narcissists try to isolate you from your family and friends. Get talking to them again. Start with the most trusted friend or family member. Tell them what has been going on and explain what the effects have been on you. Move on to the point where you have a close group of family and friends that you can trust and know what is going on. You will need them to be there for you emotionally and sometimes physically. You will also have them to back you up in case your gaslighting narcissist tries to lie about you. Also, be aware that some people may not believe you. I know it will hurt (it hurt me like hell), but you need to cut those people out of your life for right now. Also warn them that your gaslighting narcissist will try to get to you through them once you leave and tell them not to relay any messages from them.
  • Gather all important papers and documents together and put them out of your gaslighting narcissist’s reach. Whether it’s the trunk of your car, with a trusted friend or family member, or a safe deposit box, find a place where they can’t be reached.
  • Document everything. Nobody wants to think about this part. Nobody wants to think that the person they love so much would ever try and do something to you legally, but it is pretty common. If you have kids, I cannot emphasize this enough. Screenshot all texts that puts your gaslighting narcissist in a bad light (it shouldn’t be difficult). Get a recorder app on your phone and record all conversations, whether on the phone or in real life. If your gaslighting narcissist tries to do anything against you, whether to get custody, try to put you in a mental health ward, press charges, etc. you will have proof that they are lying.
  • Choose your battles. What is most important for you to get out of leaving? Would you want to keep the house that is in both your names? Your car? Your kids? Your business? Which belongings are most important for you to have if you have to leave in a hurry. You need to figure out what is the most important and be prepared to act on it.
  • Get a lawyer. See about any abuse survivors assistance you can get. Contact local lawyers and ask if they are willing to take on a pro bono case.
  • Figure out what the living arrangements are going to look like. Do you own the house and will kick your gaslighting narcissist out? Are you going to stay with friends or family? Are you going to stay in a shelter? Are you going to get another apartment? Also figure out child care, if necessary.
  • Protect your own emotions. Try using the Grey Rock method of communicating with your gaslighting narcissist. Essentially the method is for you to be boring and show no emotions since narcissists feed off of emotions and drama. The only down side is that your gaslighting narcissist may choose to do more obvious and hurtful things just to get a reaction from you.

So, now you’ve done it. You got your shit in order and you left your gaslighting narcissist. Now you feel empty and alone. You doubt every decision you make. You feel like nobody cares about you. And to make it worse, your gaslighting narcissist is doing a bunch of the things on the first list to try and regain power over you. These things will help you deal with the logistics of leaving your gaslighting narcissist. I will make another article about how to heal.

  • Go “no contact”. Block their phone number. Block their e-mail addresses. Block them on social media. Lock down your social media accounts so only friends can see anything about you. If you can’t go “no contact” because you have kids or a divorce to settle, only use text-based methods of conversing and make sure you use the Grey Rock method.
  • Get your name off of any other legal documents you can. Remove your name (or their name) from credit cards, bank accounts, leases, utility bills, loans, titles or deeds, or any shared business ventures so they cannot mess up your finances.
  • Have a plan.
  • DO NOT rise to the bait when your gaslighting narcissist tries to elicit an emotional reaction from you.
  • Be prepared to go to the police if necessary. Restraining orders can be your friend.
  • Cut out anyone who is their family or friend, especially on social media. If someone knows what they did and still wants to be friends with you both, you don’t need a friend like that. It is better to have a few good friends you can trust rather than having to wonder and worry about who is actually on your side.
  • Consider changing your name on social media so your gaslighting narcissist won’t be able to search for you. It could even just be your first and middle name.
  • Talk to your kids about the situation in an age-appropriate way. Don’t worry about making your ex look like the “bad guy”. Your ex will not have the same reservations you do. If they’re old enough, explain some basic manipulation techniques so they can be aware and protect themselves if your ex ever ends up getting to see them again.

Resources
U.S.A. National Abuse Hotline
U.K. National Abuse Hotline
Law Advise for Abuse Survivors (I am assuming this is U.S.A.)

OA Recovery: Day 69 of Abstinence

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I have been very busy with work lately. Unfortunately, it means that I have had to abandon my work on step 5 for the time being. Some people have told me that I am just making excuses, but I would like to spend the short time I am at home with my son. He is more important than my recovery. Also, my struggles with being so busy only will last until the end of the month. Since there is an end in sight, I plan to put off my remaining step 5 work until then. I am very stressed and don’t need the additional emotional stress from working step 5 right now.

I have discovered that there is a big difference between an eating plan and abstinence. Abstinence is just not eating my trigger foods. Following an eating plan is a whole other animal. I thought once I knew what I should eat, that I would eat it. After all, I have over 60 days of abstinence. It can’t be harder than cutting out sugary foods. Haha! It sure was! I have yet to have one day this week when I have completely followed my eating plan.

My daily eating plan is as follows:
– 1.5-3 cups of fruit
– 2-3 cups of vegetables
– 6-7 oz grains (half should be whole grains)
– 6 oz protein
– 2 cups dairy

I decided to break it down as follows:
Breakfast – 1 c. Cheerios with 1 c. low-fat milk and 1 c. yogurt
Lunch – a big salad with chickpeas and lots of veggies
Dinner – 4 oz grains (weighed out 4oz), 4 oz protein (weighed out 4oz), 1 c. vegetables
Snacks – 1 apple, 1 banana

This food plan seemed like to much and not enough at the same time. I never wanted to eat my lunch, so I didn’t. I love vegetables, but not salads. It also felt like dinner was too much food. I left the dinner table every night with a stomachache having eaten so much. Today I took a second look at the eating plan and realized I had been doing a few things wrong. One ounce of grains doesn’t necessarily mean literally an ounce. It often means a slice of bread or 1/2 cup cooked rice, pasta, or cereal. It was the same for protein. One ounce of protein meant 1 oz of lean meat, 1 egg, 1 tbsp peanut butter, 1/4 c. cooked beans, or 1/2 oz of nuts. Ack! That means I STILL haven’t been eating enough! So I need to figure out how I’m going to do all of that. I was also surprised that I had lost 3 lbs when I weighed myself for my weekly weighing. Maybe I wasn’t eating enough food before!

I spoke with a well-meaning woman who was telling me that eating plans like this aren’t sustainable because you will eventually miss eating certain foods and will end up eating what tastes good. She had a bit of a point about the low-fat dairy and the salad. However, I did okay with the rest of my eating plan. When I asked her what she eats, she just eats what tastes good and in reasonable amounts. While that’s great for her, I don’t feel like it would work for me right now at this point in my recovery. She also explained that OA is more about abstaining from trigger foods rather than following specific eating plans. I feel like I’m more confused than every about what I’m “supposed” to eat.

I also realized that one tool I really don’t utilize much is the phone calls/messaging/texting. I am used to being so independent and not trusting anyone. That’s something that has become worse for me in recent years. I am afraid to make new friends at this point. I am afraid of losing them like all of the ones that believed my ex-husband’s lies. I am also afraid of them finding out that I’m Pagan and me losing my job because of it. There is so much to fear.

OA Recovery: Day 63 of Abstinence

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I started working with my sponsor about letting go of all of my resentments. I know it is part of the process, but frankly, I was getting annoyed with all of it. Most of the things I told her about, she asked why I was holding onto them for so long. I know that was a question designed to help me let go of it, but I started getting annoyed after a while. I got sick halfway through the process and have really been putting off finishing it since then. She also got really judgy about one of my resentments which didn’t help matters.

I also visited a dietitian today. I had been looking forward to this visit for SO LONG! I was hoping that I would go in there, she would see my issues, and create a plan for me. Instead, she plugged my statistics into the computer and came up with a caloric intake number I should be following. Despite common misconceptions, weight loss is NOT a simple case of calories in vs. calories out. She also gave me a copy of the U.S. version of the food pyramid (it’s not a pyramid anymore, but it’s the same basic idea). I could have done that shit myself rather than take a half a sick day to talk to someone who is clearly not abreast with the latest research. I asked her what she thought of the latest research that came out that said that eating some fats is actually good for you. She said that she disagreed with that. When we were discussing dairy (I really don’t eat dairy except for cheese), I made a snarky comment about it just being on the recommendations because of the dairy food lobbying and she looked almost like she agreed with me. But this is her area of expertise. Shouldn’t she know best? I was conflicted. In the end, I was okay with most of her advice, so I decided to follow her plan. I am still disappointed.

I need to eat the following items daily:
1.5-3 cups of fruit
2.5-3 cups of vegetables
6 oz of grains
6 oz of protein
2 cups of dairy

I also need to follow the following stipulations:
– sodium should be under 2,300mg daily
– saturated fat should be less than 20g daily
– added sugars should be less than 45g daily
– avoid trans fats (any kind of hydrogenated or partially-hydrogenated oils)
– eat processed meats (salami, hot dogs, pepperoni, etc.) once a month
– eat or drink low-fat dairy options when possible

Gaslighting Recovery: The List

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I have briefly mentioned a few times in this blog that I have been gaslit in the past by my ex-husband. A lot of people have not heard this term before, not even some of the people it actually happens to. A quick Google search says that gaslighting is: to “manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity”. When they put it that way, it sounds insane. Like what kind of person could actually fall for that?

Well, me for one. I went into that relationship a strong, independent, often stubborn woman. I left in a massive depression. I had low self-esteem, emotional issues, trust issues, and an inability to make even the simplest decisions without needing a second opinion. I felt like I lost almost all of my friends along with my favorite hobby. I left that relationship over 5 years ago, but it still affects me today. In working my 4th step in OA, I realized that about half of my grudges were held either against my ex or because of my ex. It has brought the issue back to my mind lately. I joined a gaslighting support group on Facebook. Someone mentioned making a list of all of the things that your gaslighter did so you don’t go back to him. There’s no danger of that for me. But I figured it might be therapeutic for me to make a list of ways my ex used to mess with my mind and the end result.

  • He corrected my manners, often in public. This happened a lot in our early relationship.
  • He told me that I was not behaving like I should, again in public. This also happened a lot in our early relationship.
  • He did things to deliberately make me jealous (like I walked into a party and saw a girl on his lap, for example). He also claimed that he never got jealous.
  • He found ways to make me ashamed for taking joy in whatever made me happy, often the little things. This happened often.
  • He argued with me, told me that things didn’t happen how I remembered them. This happened often.
  • He told me that I would never be good at the things that meant a lot to me.
  • He withheld sex unless it was under circumstances where he would try to bait me with sex instead of going out.
  • I had another blog at the time. He told me how I ended up painting others in a bad light with my wording. He proofread every blog to “help me” prevent this.
  • Just when I was fed up with his shit and contemplated leaving, he would make some grand gesture, apologize, and tell me how much he loved me, couldn’t live without me, etc. This happened several times.
  • I did many things to make him happy. He did very little for me.
  • Whenever I cried, he walked away letting me cry rather than hold me or comfort me in any way.
  • I was bedridden for a few weeks. He wouldn’t even get me a glass of water, much less walk me to the bathroom (which I needed). My mom and sister had to come and help take care of me.
  • He told me the negative things our mutual friends “said” about me.
  • He said mean things to me, then told me he was just kidding. This happened a lot.
  • His actions never matched his words.
  • He rarely kept his promises.
  • He invalidated my emotions.
  • He rarely supported me in anything.
  • He told me I was not attractive to him anymore because I had gained weight (maybe it’s not gaslighting, but it didn’t help matters).
  • He often ignored me when he was home and then told me I was too needy because I wanted to spend time with him.
  • After we split up, he told half of our mutual friends that I cheated on him and the other half that he was concerned about my mental well-being. He seemed to know which ones to tell which.
  • He made me feel unwelcome in a hobby we both enjoyed because when we split up, most of the friends from that hobby believed him and abandoned me.

To the outsider, this might seem like a list of little things. But these “little things” added up a lot — especially after over 7 years together. Also remember that I loved and trusted him to know and do what was best for me. I feel like a sucker now. All of these things resulted in the following long-term problems for me:

  • I don’t react well to being corrected.
  • I second-guess my manners and ability to act correctly in public.
  • I get jealous and now have a fear of being cheated on.
  • I take don’t take joy in the little things anymore. When I do, I tend to keep my pleasure to myself.
  • I get overly bothered and emotional when someone tells me something is not the way I remember it.
  • I got emotional about trying to be good at the things I aspired to. I eventually gave some of them up because the emotions were too much and too embarrassing.
  • I have issues making decisions sometimes. I sometimes call it “chronic indecision”.
  • I had to ask other people to validate my decisions for years. I still have to fight the urge sometimes.
  • When I am fed up with someone’s shit, I just leave and never turn back. It’s not even an option to go back. My brain is now hard-wired to not give second-chances in relationships.
  • I get angry and emotional if I think that my current relationship is lopsided in its affection and in doing things for each other.
  • If someone I am in a relationship with doesn’t comfort me when I am upset, he isn’t worth my time.
  • If I legitimately need help and someone I am in a relationship with doesn’t help me (unless they can’t), he isn’t worth my time.
  • I have serious trust issues about friendships. I also don’t see myself as someone who makes friends easily, but I am unsure if that is due to the gaslighting or not.
  • I “can’t take a joke” now. I don’t appreciate abrasive or mean jokes and get “overly sensitive” about them.
  • I no longer believe people when they say something about themselves.
  • I no longer expect people to keep their promises.
  • I often don’t know what I am feeling because I forget that it’s important
  • I tend not to seek out others for support, even if I really need it.
  • I am overly sensitive about my weight. I also suspect that I was keeping it on to purposely look disgusting to him and keep him away.
  • I am often afraid to ask for time or affection in relationships, even today.
  • I still don’t know who of our mutual friends is actually my friend. I have mostly dropped them all. There are a few I keep in touch with, but I still question their friendship in my mind and hang out with them rarely.
  • I have attempted to return to that hobby multiple times. Each time I feel awkward, emotional, and friend-less, so I have stopped returning. It also doesn’t help that I see him every time. And every time I see him is this pang of emotional rage — at both him for what he did to me and at me for allowing it.

Motherhood: Becoming an Expert in Worrying

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Whenever anyone thinks of any of the mother aspects of the Goddess, people tend to think of the miracle of growing a child into a baby, the miracle of birth, and the warm, loving motherly energy that the ideal mother would give — maybe with some wisdom to go with it.

However, most mothers do not really seem to think or feel that way about ourselves. Frankly, if you’re a mom, you’re probably stressed out and feeling guilty because you don’t have enough time to do all of the things you feel like you should be doing. I know that’s how I feel. I kind of let go of the fact that I created a very awesome human not too long after he was born. I spent the rest of the time worrying and making sure we were doing everything perfectly.

My son, two days old

That didn’t work out so well because nobody’s perfect. Right off the bat, I suffered from baby blues. I was afraid of how fragile he was. One tiny snap or shake or drop, and he could be seriously injured for life! I was so afraid of screwing him up. It didn’t help that I didn’t produce enough milk for my son, so we had to supplement with formula. It turned out he had a tongue and lip tie that nobody checked for until he was 10 months old. By then it was too late to recover my milk supply and he already was a good eater of solid foods.

As he grew, I grew less worried about some things and more worried about others. My son is very good about eating, but I still worry that he’s going to choke on a hotdog or something. Last month he started learning to climb. Since then, he has been climbing on everything and trying to climb up and over the back of the couch. Now I worry about him climbing something, falling, and hurting himself.

Now that he’s almost 19 months old, I found something new to worry about — his development. Now my son is very smart. He has figured out how to get through or around almost every baby gate we have. He can figure out how do things that we have found surprising. Today I took a wooden animal puzzle, dumped it out, and watched him put all of the animals back in the right place, even rotating some of them to do it. But he has yet to really talk.

Yeah, this is the the puzzle he put back together on his own at almost 19 months.

He has learned several signs and uses them regularly. He says “mamamamamama” when he’s upset and wants me to comfort him. Last week he started telling us to “stop”. However, he really only has a handful of words that he uses and maybe three that he uses regularly. He has only just started babbling with any regularity. He was supposed to start pointing at things around a year and he only started doing it 2-3 months ago. He’s supposed to have 20 words by the time he’s 18 months and is supposed to be more interested in talking than signing. but that is not the case.

So now I am wondering, is there something wrong with him? Is there something wrong with what we’re doing? Are we not spending enough time talking to him? Possibly. I work a lot and tend to be too tired when I come home to really attempt to converse with him. I read to him almost every night. At every meal time we try to get him to copy sounds (without success), trying to get him to call something, anything by name. He can eat an entire meal using a fork, but he won’t call the water “wa wa”. I’m sure he’ll figure it out eventually. At least, I hope so!

Anyway, while there are many magical aspects of motherhood, including watching the amazing changes as kids grow from babies to toddlers. No doubt there will be many more magical things to come. However, the worrying is SO TOUGH!

Tidying Up: Step 4 – Komono – Bathrooms

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We have two bathrooms with a decent amount of storage space. There are two cupboards in our downstairs bathroom. Upstairs there is a shelving unit, medicine cabinet, and a dresser. The dresser holds blankets and such, but the top of it has been a dumping ground for bathroom items that we don’t have room for.

Our bathrooms don’t look that horrible, but we have already had to go out of our way to buy items we thought we had but couldn’t find, only to find them a month later. We have to get rid of some things in order to make room for the the items that we will use. I know the whole Marie Kondo thing is all about loving items. Most bathroom items I don’t really “love”, so it’s mostly an assessment of usefulness here. There are a few items I do love though. My cousin gave us skincare products to pamper ourselves with for our wedding. However, we have yet to open a single bottle, but I would love to do it one day!

Before
After

I was surprised how much stuff we had from the bathrooms. Neither of us is really big into primping. My “personal care routine” consists of brushing my teeth (sometimes) and showering a few times a week. I wear make-up maybe 3 times a year. The first thing to go was all of the expired pills. Almost all of the pills were expired. We had multiples of a lot of things. We had 7 pairs of nail clippers. Also, hydrogen peroxide apparently expires! After we sorted through what we wanted to keep, we sorted through which items would be useful in which bathroom.

Before
After
Before
After

Learning Tarot

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I had gotten my first degree of Correllian Wicca from witchschool.com back in the day. Since I was trying to improve my spirituality, I decided to go for my second degree. I was a little disappointed to find that the first lesson after the introduction (which I failed) was on tarot. I was hoping for maybe some advanced techniques in energy use, improving the chakras, how to do advanced things like draw down the moon, learn more about the Gods or Pantheons, etc. However, there was just this lesson about the history of tarot and how to use them for divination. I was disappointed, but decided to go with it.

As someone who owned one set of tarot cards that have maybe been used 5 times in the past 10 years, I decided to do what I could. I always understood tarot to give pictorial messages, so I went with it. However, there were specific meanings given to each card by witchschool, which I was trying to learn. So I did a spread like this, read through the witchschool version, read through the booklet that came with the cards, and then attempted to read the pictures to see what stood out at me. The witchschool versions were difficult to decipher. The booklet seemed to indicate that things would go well with buying our house. However, my brain was too muddled from the first two, I really couldn’t concentrate on figuring out what my intuition told me. I will keep working on the tarot cards, but these are not my strength. I suppose it doesn’t hurt to get better though!

Does anyone have any hints about learning tarot?