I got back working with my sponsor and finished going over my resentments, fears, and sexual regrets. I still hold onto a few resentments and fears after discussing them with her, but was told to just ask my higher power for help with those on a daily basis. I started doing that before I meditate. I have meditated 4 days out of 7 this week, which is a marked improvement. I also did strength training 2/3 times this week. I meant to do it three days a week to start with, so I am happy that I was able to do what I did. I am enjoying that I have more time, even though my husband is now working some evenings, requiring me to make dinner, do dishes, and hang out with our son. And I still feel more relaxed because I have that extra time with our son and extra time at home.
I broke my abstinence this week. I broke it over two cookies and returned to my abstinence right away. It was sort of intentional and sort of unintentional. I work at a school. I discovered that their baked goods usually have a small enough amount of sugar that I can eat them in my abstinence. Many of the other foods are like that there too. They have Italian ices and soda made with fruit juice. They had cookies for sale, so I thought it might have been the case. It wasn’t. They were full of sugar. I thought about asking my sponsor whether or not that meant I broke my abstinence. I thought about it and realized that if I had to ask, I probably did. So I re-set my count again. I am on day 4 (again).
My husband and I have a movie night once a week. We watched a movie based on an anorexic girl. She was in a facility with other people with eating disorders. Most of the other girls in the facility were bulimic or anorexic. There was one “token” fat girl who was a binge eater. I started thinking about it. Why are there so many movies about anorexic girls and none about binge eaters? I would hazard to guess that there are many more overeaters out there, considering the average BMI in this country. It’s because people would rather look at skinny girls, even the ones that are all bones and clearly unhealthy, than look at a fat girl.
When the movie was over, my husband and I got into a discussion about anorexia. He was surprised about how much knowledge I had on the subject. I told him I used to be interested in it as a disorder — probably because it was the exact opposite. I wished I was able to just not eat and lose all of my weight. I even spent some time looking up their “tips and tricks” to not eating. I even stopped eating for a whole three day stretch. But because of my issues, I couldn’t keep it up. I suppose it’s a good thing in hindsight, but I almost wished for it for a while.
I am back down to 226lbs (the weight I was at before I broke my abstinence). I only have 6 more lbs to go before I get to my pre-pregnancy weight! I have 27lbs to go before I get under 200lbs (my current weight-loss goal). I am hoping to try for another child soon and am hoping to at least be under 200lbs by then!
program online, but you had to be able to jog for a whole minute at a time. I couldn’t do that. Undeterred, I trained to be able to run for a whole minute at a time. After that, I trained to run a 5k. My time for my first 5k was 39:35. I made a goal to improve my time. My third 5k was at 35:06. My goal was to get my time under 35 minutes and I was so close! I started counting calories. I would snack all day on low calorie items some days and eat a fast food value meal as my whole calorie quota for other days. Finally, a little over a year later, I was down to 145lbs!
I stayed at this weight for a while. I kept running. I trained for and ran a 10k. I got married and looked damn good in my wedding dress. But the marriage went downhill fast. I buried myself in my work so I didn’t have to spend much time at home. I was stressed. I stopped running. I ate a steady diet of fast food. I put on weight very quickly. I gained 60 lbs in 8 months before my doctor diagnosed me with hypothyroidism. I was exhausted all of the time. My (then) husband admitted he was no longer attracted to me at that weight. I tried running, but at my new heavier weight, all it did was give me knee problems.
Less than two years into my first marriage and over 7 years into the relationship, we separated. Because he was emotionally abusive, my confidence and sense of self was shattered. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I saw myself as fat, ugly, boring, and who never stuck with anything. I saw myself as emotionally unstable, socially awkward, who needed someone to guide me. And I lived up to my vision of myself. I tried several diet and weight-loss programs. I wasn’t able to stick with any for very long. I made several bad choices in life. My ex started bad-mouthing me to some friends and “worried” aloud about my emotional instability with others. I had friends start to avoid me or treat me with kid gloves, afraid to ruin my fragile emotional self. I kept to myself. I was very lonely. I fluctuated between 200lbs-220lbs (this photo is from 2012). I even worked a job that required physical labor. While I did get stronger, I didn’t end up losing any fat or any weight. In hindsight, I feel like I kept this weight so my ex would never want me back. He still had power over me for a long time and I was afraid of going back to him. I refused to talk to him and avoided him as much as possible.
Hypothyroidism is an interesting malady. It can cause a number of serious symptoms. I was lucky that it only caused weight gain, lethargy, loss of energy, coldness of the extremities, and mild hair loss. It also makes it difficult to lose weight. I researched the disease — often knowing more about it than the doctors I saw. I tried a thyroid diet. It didn’t do anything. I tried paleo. I couldn’t stick to it. I couldn’t stick to anything. I berated myself for not being able to follow through with anything. I had to switch doctors before I could convince one to switch my medications so I could have enough energy to get through the day. It was awful!
After a few years, I actually realized that I was the victim of emotional abuse. Before my ex, I would have said that “victim” was never a part of my vocabulary. After we split up, I didn’t exactly play the victim (he certainly played the victim, for all it was worth), but I was in a very bad state. I worked hard to fix the damage that was done by him. After a few years, I met a wonderful man and we really connected. We decided to have kids together. My experience with my first marriage left me scared of marriage. And so, unwed at 37, I became pregnant. The pregnancy went well until the last month. I gained 50lbs throughout the pregnancy and my hips were unable to bear the extra weight. I could barely walk for the last month of my pregnancy.
Finally, my son was born at 10lbs, 22.5″. You would think that at the very least, I would have left the hospital 10lbs lighter, but I weighed the exact amount that I did when I entered it. I retained water and my feet, ankles, and calves swelled like they never had during the pregnancy. The picture at the left is two weeks after my son was born (yes, he was THAT big). Everyone told me that a few weeks after the birth, the pounds would melt away. Then they told me that exclusively breastfeeding would cause the weight to go. They were all lies.
Again, I tried to lose weight. Unfortunately, many methods of weight-loss were beyond me post-partum. I was healing from a C-section, so I couldn’t exercise for a long time. I couldn’t really follow most diets because they would effect my milk supply. Over the next year, I managed to lose 30 of those 50lbs, though I’m not sure how. Pregnancy changed my body. I had stretch marks all over my belly and everything seemed to have gotten bigger and flabbier, even though I am only 20lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight. I have finally gotten over my fear of marriage and married an amazing man. Nonetheless, my (now) husband still loves me and is still attracted to me at my current weight. And now that our son is over year old and no longer exclusively breastfeeding, though he still nurses about twice a day, I am ready to take on losing weight for real!