I was fortunate growing up.  I made it all the way to 8th grade before someone made a negative comment about my body.  I had just hit puberty and gained hips, boobs, and a small belly.  I was told to do more sit-ups before continuing to wear shirts that showed off my midriff.  Since then I have been self-conscious about my stomach.  I don’t remember what I weighted throughout high school.  I wasn’t fat.  I guess I was thin but the kind of thin that also had hips and a chest.

In college, I gained the “freshman 50” and the scales topped out at around 200lbs.  I worked at an exercise place for 2 months and lost 30 of those pounds. Despite many attempts to lose the remaining 20lbs, I stayed at this weight for several years,  This was my first ever “starting weight” picture at 170lbs from 2006. I had mostly stayed naturally thin before college, so actually working to lose weight was new to me. I tried the shake for breakfast, shake for lunch thing.  That didn’t work.  I tried the blood type diet.  I tried a juice fast.  I really also didn’t stick with any of them long enough to work either.

In 2006, I took up running.  I saw a couch to 5k program online, but you had to be able to jog for a whole minute at a time.   I couldn’t do that.  Undeterred, I trained to be able to run for a whole minute at a time.  After that, I trained to run a 5k.  My time for my first 5k was 39:35.  I made a goal to improve my time.  My third 5k was at 35:06.  My goal was to get my time under 35 minutes and I was so close!  I started counting calories.  I would snack all day on low calorie items some days and eat a fast food value meal as my whole calorie quota for other days.  Finally, a little over a year later, I was down to 145lbs!

I stayed at this weight for a while.  I kept running.  I trained for and ran a 10k.  I got married and looked damn good in my wedding dress.  But the marriage went downhill fast.  I buried myself in my work so I didn’t have to spend much time at home.  I was stressed.  I stopped running.  I ate a steady diet of fast food.  I put on weight very quickly.   I gained 60 lbs in 8 months before my doctor diagnosed me with hypothyroidism.  I was exhausted all of the time.  My (then) husband admitted he was no longer attracted to me at that weight.   I tried running, but at my new heavier weight, all it did was give me knee problems.

Less than two years into my first marriage and over 7 years into the relationship, we separated.  Because he was emotionally abusive, my confidence and sense of self was shattered. I didn’t know who I was anymore.  I saw myself as fat, ugly, boring, and who never stuck with anything. I saw myself as emotionally unstable, socially awkward, who needed someone to guide me.  And I lived up to my vision of myself.  I tried several diet and weight-loss programs.  I wasn’t able to stick with any for very long.  I made several bad choices in life.  My ex started bad-mouthing me to some friends and “worried” aloud about my emotional instability with others.  I had friends start to avoid me or treat me with kid gloves, afraid to ruin my fragile emotional self.  I kept to myself.  I was very lonely.  I fluctuated between 200lbs-220lbs (this photo is from 2012).  I even worked a job that required physical labor.  While I did get stronger, I didn’t end up losing any fat or any weight.  In hindsight, I feel like I kept this weight so my ex would never want me back.  He still had power over me for a long time and I was afraid of going back to him.  I refused to talk to him and avoided him as much as possible.

Hypothyroidism is an interesting malady.  It can cause a number of serious symptoms.  I was lucky that it only caused weight gain, lethargy, loss of energy, coldness of the extremities, and mild hair loss.  It also makes it difficult to lose weight.  I researched the disease — often knowing more about it than the doctors I saw.  I tried a thyroid diet.  It didn’t do anything.  I tried paleo.  I couldn’t stick to it. I couldn’t stick to anything.  I berated myself for not being able to follow through with anything.  I had to switch doctors before I could convince one to switch my medications so I could have enough energy to get through the day.  It was awful!

After a few years, I actually realized that I was the victim of emotional abuse.  Before my ex, I would have said that “victim” was never a part of my vocabulary.  After we split up, I didn’t exactly play the victim (he certainly played the victim, for all it was worth), but I was in a very bad state.  I worked hard to fix the damage that was done by him.  After a few years, I met a wonderful man and we really connected.  We decided to have kids together.  My experience with my first marriage left me scared of marriage.  And so, unwed at 37, I became pregnant.  The pregnancy went well until the last month.  I gained 50lbs throughout the pregnancy and my hips were unable to bear the extra weight.  I could barely walk for the last month of my pregnancy.

Finally, my son was born at 10lbs, 22.5″.  You would think that at the very least, I would have left the hospital 10lbs lighter, but I weighed the exact amount that I did when I entered it.  I retained water and my feet, ankles, and calves swelled like they never had during the pregnancy.  The picture at the left is two weeks after my son was born (yes, he was THAT big).  Everyone told me that a few weeks after the birth, the pounds would melt away.  Then they told me that exclusively breastfeeding would cause the weight to go.  They were all lies.

Again, I tried to lose weight.  Unfortunately, many methods of weight-loss were beyond me post-partum. I was healing from a C-section, so I couldn’t exercise for a long time.  I couldn’t really follow most diets because they would effect my milk supply.  Over the next year, I managed to lose 30 of those 50lbs, though I’m not sure how.  Pregnancy changed my body.  I had stretch marks all over my belly and everything seemed to have gotten bigger and flabbier, even though I am only 20lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight.  I have finally gotten over my fear of marriage and married an amazing man.  Nonetheless, my (now) husband still loves me and is still attracted to me at my current weight. And now that our son is over  year old and no longer exclusively breastfeeding, though he still nurses about twice a day, I am ready to take on losing weight for real!