Tag Archives: problems

Issues With Being a Mid-Level Pagan

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Being a beginning Pagan was great! I read a bunch of books on Wicca, learned a lot, and did a fair amount of growth. When I felt like I learned all that books could teach me, I bought a bunch of ritual tools, set up and alter, and did a few solitary rituals. I felt very silly and ridiculous speaking aloud and doing the movements.

I found a teacher and some local new-age divination classes and learned some more. I participated in group rituals and stopped feeling silly every time I raised my arms to call a quarter. I learned Reiki and shamanic journeying. As I learned more, I realized I wasn’t just Wiccan. I started calling myself eclectic Pagan. Eventually, my relationship with my teacher went sour and she accused me of some pretty petty things.

I searched for a group to practice with for a long time. I was fortunate enough to live in an area that had access to several circles within an hour drive. The first one had a few red flags. They talked about nothing but cosmology, which is fine, but it didn’t interest me as much as it seemed to for them. But the biggest problem was they were showing photos from a festival they went to. There were several sky-clad people, which was to be expected in the Pagan community. Then they all chuckled about one woman who didn’t want her photo taken sky-clad, but they did it anyway, and were showing it to strangers. I realized these were not people I wanted to associate with.

The next circle looked more promising. I liked the people, but there was one woman who brought down the energy of every single circle. She was vegan, which wasn’t a problem with me, except for the fact that she would break down crying every single circle because the rest of the world eats meat and they can’t see what she sees. And it eventually became a problem. It was also clear she was missing key nutrients (there are plenty of healthy ways to eat vegan, she just wasn’t following them). She was bone-thin, her skin sagged, and she looked sickly. There was also a heavier member of the group who clearly envied her body and spent all her time plying her with questions to better follow her diet so she could be that thin. It was just an odd dynamic.

I found some other people who I really liked, but they wanted to start a Goddess-only group. Again, I don’t have a problem with Goddess-only worshippers, but for my particularly path, it seemed as one-sided as only worshipping a God. I personally feel that there should be a male/female duality in my particular practice.

I gave up looking and went to a local Shamanic Journeying meetup and some meditation classes. After a few times, I started chatting with a guy there who introduced me to his circle. That ended up being my current circle. The members are already trained and mid-level, so we just worked on different concepts each time we met. And I loved it — at first. Every year we would discuss what we needed and plan rituals based on that. I had Tyr contact me through another member of the circle. I didn’t know what to do with that or about it. It wasn’t a teaching circle.

Time went on. I ended up working in a Catholic School, so I retreated DEEPLY into the “broom closet”. I moved further away and attended circle less often. I had my son and was able to attend less often. They all live an hour or more away now and it’s tough for me to find the time to go. I love them all and respect them very much. When I do attend, I have to wrangle a toddler or spend even more time without my son (yes, it’s a no-win situation). I am still in the “broom closet” for fear of losing my job where I am very much in the public eye. Probably half of the town already knows me by sight, even though I don’t know most of them.

Now, I really struggle to find time to do anything Pagan-ish. There are no real classes for mid-level Pagans. I have been having problems finding the time for spirituality with a very mobile toddler. I can’t find the magic and excitement I once felt. I know I should be doing or thinking something daily, but I don’t even really know what to do to regain the feeling I once had in my faith when I first found it 20 years ago. I feel like there isn’t a whole lot out there for mid-level Pagans — that most of it is just meant for beginners Does anyone have some recommendations?

** Please note, this is an old post. I continued my education and at the time of this edit, I found some classes, completed my second degree, and am in the process of working on my third degree. **

I Think I’m A Compulsive Overeater

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I have been thinking a lot lately about my eating behaviors and how I have struggled time and again to follow an eating plan — any eating plan. It wasn’t that big a deal before. I blamed hypothyroidism and having a baby. To be fair, both contributed greatly to my current weight. Even so, I thought about how finding sweets, especially chocolate, to snack on almost seemed like a need. With my cholesterol how it is, following a diet may literally be the difference between life and death and I couldn’t even stick with it for two weeks. That’s when I realized that I had a problem.

My specific abnormal food behaviors are as follows:
– I eat when I’m not hungry
– There are times when I eat so much that I feel sick
– I have feelings of guilt, shame, and embarrassment over the way I eat and the way I look
– I eat sensibly in front of others and make up for it when I’m alone
– My eating is affecting my health
– My eating behaviors are making me unhappy
– I have tried fasting or severely restricting my food to try and lose weight
– I have eaten food that was very stale
– There are certain foods that I can’t stop eating after I have the first bite
– I have lost weight by following a diet, only to gain it all back by binge eating
– I spend too much time thinking about food and planning my next diet

After some internet searches, I found the Overeaters Anonymous website. I took their quiz and found that I had about half of the abnormal food behaviors on the list. I looked for some meetings in my area. The closest ones were 40 minutes away and happened at 10am on two weekdays a week. Wtf, do they expect only housewives to have this problem!? I found an online meeting group and an online support group. I posted there, explained that I was new, told them about my problem, and asked for advice. The advice was to get some of the literature, attend a meeting, and find a temporary sponsor.

The book and workbook came in and I found a Pagan sponsor! I was excited about this because it’s tough to trust in a higher power when I believe in so many. I was hoping since she understood the nature of Paganism, she would be able to help me with this when the time was right. I read the first two chapters of the book and really related with a lot of it. My sponsor asked me a lot of questions. I was surprised at the answers to some of them. One of them was that I was scared to start. After a lot of thinking and soul-searching on the topic, I discovered that I was afraid to give up sugar. i was afraid of never tasting it again. And that never tasting some of the foods that I really loved saddened me. I realized then that must be how an alcoholic feels about taking a drink. I understood in that moment that I truly am an addict — to sugar.

Over the holidays, we visited a number of people and I watched myself closely. My son is starting to notice these patterns and behaviors in me. My mom had a bowl of mini-m&ms set out. I kept going back for handful after handful. Every time I did, my son would hear my hand in the bowl and ran over asking for “more”. He’s learning my eating behaviors from me by watching me. I tried to control myself for his sake and failed. I kept going back for more and more m&ms. She must have kept refilling them because the bowl was never empty. I had a similar issue at my mother-in-law’s house with my favorite cookies.

Because of this, my sponsor and I decided that I should start by abstaining from sugary foods. Out of the four days I tried, I succeeded one. I suppose that was a huge success, but I felt like a failure. I am feeling a little lost in the process at the moment.