When you are a baby, fat is good. People look at the rolls and comment on how cute the “chunky thighs”. A chubby toddler is cute too because they are still growing out of their baby fat. Once a child gets school age, the negative comments tend to roll in, especially if the chubby child is a female. Working in schools, I have heard adults refer to chubby girls just starting school as a “little meatball” or “little chunker”. That’s where it starts. As young as kindergarten. I remember inviting the “fat girl” to my birthday party as a child. I didn’t actually know her all that well, but knew her as the fat girl. As we got older, she got bigger and bigger. She smelled bad, so nobody wanted to be around her. People made fun of her. I didn’t understand why, but saw that apparently fat was something you made fun of.
As you grow up, especially as a woman, you are constantly told by advertisements and media that you are not good enough. Your face isn’t shaped right, so you should fix it with makeup. You have pimples or blackheads, so you should use special products to make them go away. Buy hair products so your hair can be right. Your body isn’t shaped right, so you must eat a specific diet or work out so you can fit the right mold. Buy body shapers. Buy clothes to flatter your figure. Buy. Buy. Buy.
What nobody every told me was that these images were unattainable. These photographs were altered or they were taken of someone who was a winner of the genetic lottery. No amount of make-up, cleansers, dieting, or exercising is going to get you to look like these people in advertisements. There are several billion-dollar industries telling you how you should look.
Opposing that is the multi-billion dollar industry selling you food that will undo all of that. They do research into how much it takes you to be satiated and make their bags slightly smaller so you have to buy two. They do research into what tastes good and bombard your taste buds with those flavors. They add fillers and preservatives so it will have a longer shelf life. And none of it is good for your body. They won’t tell you that. Those chips are gluten free. Those cookies are low-fat. They will find some way to spin everything. And to top it all off, this food is somehow cheaper than buying fruits and vegetables that have had no modifications done to it! This is how our nation has become plus-sized. They offer cheaper, convenient food that tastes good that you can fit into your busy schedule.
The average woman in the U.S.A. is between a size 16 and 18. Anyone who has shopped in these sizes should know that these sizes vary widely. According to Wikipedia, the average size 18 is bust: 43 “, waist: 34″, and hips: 44.5”. With all my weight-loss, I bought a pair of sized 18 jeans last week, even though my measurements were larger than that. It was the first time in years I was able to buy jeans from the “regular” section. That’s good because the same pair of jeans from the same brand that was a size 20 was $50. The pair I bought were $24.50.
In addition to it still being okay to make fun of fat people, those who are overweight are being screwed over in other ways as well. As I mentioned earlier, clothes cost disproportionately more when you are in plus sizes. There are less brand names that carry your sizes, so you have less to choose from and it’s less likely you will look good in what you buy. Larger butts don’t fit in regular sized seats. When I was pregnant, I had to stop going to certain movie theaters because my hips swelled up too wide and I couldn’t fit in the seats. Airlines charge extra for larger seats for larger passengers. If someone in a wheelchair needed to fly, do you think they would be charged extra!? No. But it’s still okay to discriminate against fat people.
Nobody actually calls it discrimination, but that’s what it is. Before I got pregnant, I was the picture of health — on paper, except for my weight. But I had rolls and stretch marks, so I couldn’t actually be healthy. My doctors couldn’t figure out how I could be large and still healthy. That’s where this discrimination comes from, the idea that it’s okay to discriminate against people, because we did this to ourselves. We made ourselves fat by eating too much or the wrong things or not exercising. When, in reality, these companies are marketing all of these foods that not only make you fat, but are addictive. And they get away with it because everyone can still discriminate against fat people. They claim they are worried for their health. If they were really concerned about our health, there would be body-positive ads on tv. There would be as many commercials about vegetables as for junk food. Food lobbyists wouldn’t be allowed to influence the national food pyramid (or whatever it is they’re calling it this year).
And then social media tells me to love my body. Even though it’s 39 years old, has several surgery scars, a large pooch from where my son lived for 10 months, some whiteheads on my cheeks, some stretchmarks on my belly, too much hair on some areas, mis-matched boobs, hair that won’t do what I want it to, joints that tell me that I am either too heavy or getting old, muscles that won’t do what I want them to anymore, fat rolls, and not enough energy to get me through the day. I am supposed to suddenly love all of that? After being told my whole life that I am not good enough, that I must pay extra because I’m fat, that I will never live up to the ideal beauty, that because of my sex I am often defined and judged by my looks, but I am supposed to forget all of the conditioning and just suddenly love myself!? I have seen through that false advertising long ago, but it’s still a whole lot to swallow. I would love to love my body, but I’m just not sure I can.
program online, but you had to be able to jog for a whole minute at a time. I couldn’t do that. Undeterred, I trained to be able to run for a whole minute at a time. After that, I trained to run a 5k. My time for my first 5k was 39:35. I made a goal to improve my time. My third 5k was at 35:06. My goal was to get my time under 35 minutes and I was so close! I started counting calories. I would snack all day on low calorie items some days and eat a fast food value meal as my whole calorie quota for other days. Finally, a little over a year later, I was down to 145lbs!
I stayed at this weight for a while. I kept running. I trained for and ran a 10k. I got married and looked damn good in my wedding dress. But the marriage went downhill fast. I buried myself in my work so I didn’t have to spend much time at home. I was stressed. I stopped running. I ate a steady diet of fast food. I put on weight very quickly. I gained 60 lbs in 8 months before my doctor diagnosed me with hypothyroidism. I was exhausted all of the time. My (then) husband admitted he was no longer attracted to me at that weight. I tried running, but at my new heavier weight, all it did was give me knee problems.
Less than two years into my first marriage and over 7 years into the relationship, we separated. Because he was emotionally abusive, my confidence and sense of self was shattered. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I saw myself as fat, ugly, boring, and who never stuck with anything. I saw myself as emotionally unstable, socially awkward, who needed someone to guide me. And I lived up to my vision of myself. I tried several diet and weight-loss programs. I wasn’t able to stick with any for very long. I made several bad choices in life. My ex started bad-mouthing me to some friends and “worried” aloud about my emotional instability with others. I had friends start to avoid me or treat me with kid gloves, afraid to ruin my fragile emotional self. I kept to myself. I was very lonely. I fluctuated between 200lbs-220lbs (this photo is from 2012). I even worked a job that required physical labor. While I did get stronger, I didn’t end up losing any fat or any weight. In hindsight, I feel like I kept this weight so my ex would never want me back. He still had power over me for a long time and I was afraid of going back to him. I refused to talk to him and avoided him as much as possible.
Hypothyroidism is an interesting malady. It can cause a number of serious symptoms. I was lucky that it only caused weight gain, lethargy, loss of energy, coldness of the extremities, and mild hair loss. It also makes it difficult to lose weight. I researched the disease — often knowing more about it than the doctors I saw. I tried a thyroid diet. It didn’t do anything. I tried paleo. I couldn’t stick to it. I couldn’t stick to anything. I berated myself for not being able to follow through with anything. I had to switch doctors before I could convince one to switch my medications so I could have enough energy to get through the day. It was awful!
After a few years, I actually realized that I was the victim of emotional abuse. Before my ex, I would have said that “victim” was never a part of my vocabulary. After we split up, I didn’t exactly play the victim (he certainly played the victim, for all it was worth), but I was in a very bad state. I worked hard to fix the damage that was done by him. After a few years, I met a wonderful man and we really connected. We decided to have kids together. My experience with my first marriage left me scared of marriage. And so, unwed at 37, I became pregnant. The pregnancy went well until the last month. I gained 50lbs throughout the pregnancy and my hips were unable to bear the extra weight. I could barely walk for the last month of my pregnancy.
Finally, my son was born at 10lbs, 22.5″. You would think that at the very least, I would have left the hospital 10lbs lighter, but I weighed the exact amount that I did when I entered it. I retained water and my feet, ankles, and calves swelled like they never had during the pregnancy. The picture at the left is two weeks after my son was born (yes, he was THAT big). Everyone told me that a few weeks after the birth, the pounds would melt away. Then they told me that exclusively breastfeeding would cause the weight to go. They were all lies.
Again, I tried to lose weight. Unfortunately, many methods of weight-loss were beyond me post-partum. I was healing from a C-section, so I couldn’t exercise for a long time. I couldn’t really follow most diets because they would effect my milk supply. Over the next year, I managed to lose 30 of those 50lbs, though I’m not sure how. Pregnancy changed my body. I had stretch marks all over my belly and everything seemed to have gotten bigger and flabbier, even though I am only 20lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight. I have finally gotten over my fear of marriage and married an amazing man. Nonetheless, my (now) husband still loves me and is still attracted to me at my current weight. And now that our son is over year old and no longer exclusively breastfeeding, though he still nurses about twice a day, I am ready to take on losing weight for real!
