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Beltane Festival

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There was a Beltane festival about an hour and a half away from me. I am not sure exactly what I expected, but I was disappointed in what it was. Don’t get me wrong, plenty of other people could have gone and greatly enjoyed it. Being the introvert that I am, crowds are a bit intimidating, especially when I feel like I have nothing in common with them. There were a ton of young people wearing things like fairy wings, corsets, and elf ears. I have never in my life desired to wear those things. Okay, maybe a corset, but that’s just because I still need to lose a bit of weight. This was not my tribe. I didn’t know anyone. We essentially paid $20 each to have access to a bunch of vendors. Most of the vendors didn’t have anything that I was interested in. I love rocks and crystals, but I had just spent a substantial amount of time paring down my collection, so I didn’t want to buy any. There were a few Reiki practioners, some tarot readers, jewelry, artwork (that was nice, but I just couldn’t afford it), and some food vendors.

My husband enjoyed the food vendors. I saw the class schedule and was disappointed. There weren’t many offerings, I didn’t have any interest in what was offered, and I couldn’t figure out where they were held. Then they had the may pole. The guys all made a huge show of carrying the may pole, while the ladies all made a show of dancing and looking sexy while holding the ribbons and waiting for them. I really felt like I didn’t belong because given the choice, I would have rather carried the pole. I don’t identify as male. While there are certainly some masculine aspects to my personality, I am very clearly female. I have always used the “she/her” pronouns and have never thought of ever being anything else. But I also didn’t feel like acting like the flirty, sexy female while dancing. At that point, I realized that there really is a duality in the Wiccan deities. Things are either male or female. I guess I have realized lately that there is much more variety in genders. They started chanting “Put it in the hole!” I walked away from the may pole.

I had been curious about Norse heathenry for as long as I can remember, but there are some things that I didn’t agree with, so I stuck with my Wicca-like practices. I went to the Heathen tent with the desire to discuss and see what they had to say. They were busy talking to other people and I got this feeling of being unwelcome, so I walked away. Having rolled my eyes at some of the costumes other people wore, I ironically asked a guy wearing a tunic and leather headband to read my runes. Oddly, I found nothing wrong with what he was wearing. It was close to a historical Norse Viking costume, so I oddly had no qualms with that. I do wonder how my brain works sometimes!

I sent my husband and son off because some people who do divination will get clues from the people you are with and I wanted to get as good of a reading as I could. This was very different from the tarot readings I have had in the past. He explained how to focus and pull the runes. I pulled them and he explained what they meant. There were three that represented my past. There was a partnership in my past, inner strength leading to freedom, and travels. It was clear to me that it represented the strength I needed to leave my first husband and a lot of friendships behind thanks to his manipulative nature. I lived and worked all over the state since we broke up, so this was very accurate.

The present included some uncertainty and material wealth. He explained that the material wealth didn’t have to be money, but things that were important to me. I think it means that we are actually going to settle down in a new house, and I have a wonderful husband and son. My dream growing up was to have a family and a home and now I feel like I have it.

The future (he didn’t call it the future, but I will call it that for convenience sake) included a vehicle to carry me where I wanted to go, a reaching of a goal, and enlightenment. We talked a bit of my future goals. I really don’t have many left. I would like to write a book, maybe more than one. I am always afraid to write because I feel like either it wouldn’t work, or there already exist books on the same things. He explained that he wrote a book on runes, even though dozens exist. However, nobody else would have the same take on it he did. Each author brought something different to the genre. I thought about it and realized I could too. I would also like to start a school, but I would need at least a master’s degree in school administration. It would be a huge undertaking. It would require getting a non-profit status, enough curriculum together to get accreditation in my state, it would require a serious amount of fundraising (because I could never afford the start-up capital), overseeing the building of it, hiring teachers and staff, figuring out where to get scholarships from, and advertising enough to draw students and parents who want to send their children to the school. I am not sure I could do it. He gave me hope that I could.

I chatted with him a bit about reading runes and Norse heathrenry for a while. He gave me a card with a link to the facebook group. I felt like the festival wasn’t a complete waste of time. I was still disappointed that my son wasn’t really able to enjoy it. I had pictured him getting to run around and play with other kids, but there really wasn’t the space for him to do that, so he stayed in the stroller. I probably won’t return to this festival next year because I can think of a better use for $40, but I am glad that I did connect with that one guy and the Norse group. Hopefully something will come of it!

Wicca for Beginners

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I am part of a lot of Wicca groups on Facebook. Almost daily we get someone who is new and wants to know about Wicca or Paganism asking what they need to do. Some also ask for a teacher. Almost 100% of the people who respond to those posts send them a book list to read. There are tons of people who do not learn that way and could use a teacher. Admittedly, people are going to have to read this, but I’m not giving you full books to read. These are my recommendations for people who are new and want to learn more.

  • Figure out what you believe. Is there a specific pantheon you are interested in? Are you interested in a specific type of Wicca? Figure out which deities you want to worship.
  • How would you like to worship?
  • Are you light, dark, or grey? Are you interested in only good deities and harming none? Are you interested in being in the middle because nature isn’t just light? Are you interested in dark imagery and exploring the darker side of you?

Are all of these questions too much or too specific for you? Here are some good ways to get started in Wicca. There are other types of Paganism out there worth looking into as well, in case you decide Wicca isn’t right for you.

  • Learn about the Elements.
  • Learn about and celebrate the Sabbats and Esbats.
  • Learn about ritual tools and create an altar.
  • Learn how to ground and create a Circle for ritual.
  • Look into different Gods and Goddesses to see which ones resonate with you.
  • Connect with like-minded people. Find others near you. There are a number of groups on Facebook. Join them and see if there is anyone who lives near you. Check meetup to see if there is a local group. See if there are any metaphysical shops near you. They may offer classes or at least may connect you with any groups in the area. See if there is a Pagan Pride Day near you. Attend and make some friends!

Don’t agree with my assessments about the Elements, Sabbats and Esbats, altar tools and setup, or how to create a Circle? That’s great! That means you have an opinion on how something works and that will help you better find the path that’s right for you. There is no right way to worship in Wicca. Find what works for you and do it!

Several of you may have noticed that I didn’t mention divination (like tarot cards, pendulums, runes, etc.) or spells. Wicca is a religion. While many people who believe in Pagan religions may cast spells or read tarot cards, they are not a part of the religion. There are people who do divination and cast spells that are not religious and there are people that worship in this religion without doing divination and casting spells. For those who are interested, I will include articles about those in the future.

A final note about meeting Wiccans in real life. Because this is more of a “do-it-yourself” religion than book religions, we often end up with a lot of the people that are no longer welcome in churches, a synagogues, or mosques for a variety of reasons that then choose Paganism. There are some socially awkward people, some flaky people, and some toxic people. If you see any red flags, avoid those who display them. However, there are some truly wonderful Pagans out there, so don’t let that deter you from finding your tribe!

What is Your Element?

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On one of the many Pagan Facebook groups I belong to, I came across several new people who wanted to know which of the four elements (Earth, Air, Fire, Water) they were. While many people have the same element as their Zodiac sign, (Virgo = Earth, for example), not everyone does. We all have a little bit of the four elements in us, so it is just a matter of seeing which of the following elements is most predominant in you. After each element, I have included a number of statements that usually agree with someone of that element type. Whichever one you agree with the most, is which element type you are.

EARTH

  • What you see is what you get
  • Stable
  • Doesn’t play games with people
  • Reliable
  • They want to make others feel comfortable, safe, and loved
  • Practical
  • Often participate in “homey” crafts like quilting, woodworking, knitting, etc.
  • Firm in their convictions
  • Constantly working
  • Loyal to a fault
  • Doesn’t have ulterior motives
  • Nurturing and empathetic
  • Logical and practical
  • You can make any place a home
  • Often like to bake
  • Love comfort
  • Serious
  • Lazy (this may seem like a contradiction, but it is a defense mechanism for one who constantly feels the need to be busy)
  • Scornful
  • Judgmental
  • Overly cautious
  • Perfectionist
  • Stubborn and rigid
  • Can be prone to having others walk all over you
  • Can feel revitalized by putting bare feet on the earth, spending time in comfort, or spending time in nature near plants

AIR

  • Intellectual
  • Thoughtful
  • Excellent at multi-tasking
  • Witty
  • Easily distracted
  • Charming
  • Logical
  • Carefree
  • Independent
  • Flexible
  • Can vary from being outgoing to being eccentric, so personalities can vary in this element
  • Inconsistent
  • Have trouble with commitment of any kind
  • Insensitive to the emotions of others
  • Selfish
  • Can have a lot of nervous energy
  • Flaky
  • Dishonest
  • Can lack compassion
  • Feel revitalized in the wind, with a fan, or with a window open

FIRE

  • Born leader
  • Life of the party
  • Passionate
  • Often have high spirits
  • Bright
  • Laugh easily
  • Charismatic
  • Loves to have fun
  • Focused
  • Does whatever feels good
  • Decisive
  • Do whatever pleases them
  • Daring
  • Prone to anger and rage
  • Obsessive
  • Can be self-absorbed
  • Unfaithful
  • Attention getter or drama queen
  • Jealous
  • Easily irritated
  • Vindictive
  • Can be uncaring and insensitive to others
  • Feel revitalized in the sun or near a fire

WATER

  • Seem calm and collected
  • Understanding
  • Can be emotional, though other people can’t often see it
  • Trusted
  • Connect easily to others
  • Forgiving
  • Relate well with people
  • Devoted
  • Flexible
  • Can have addiction issues
  • Unstable
  • Whiny
  • Prone to depression
  • Irrational
  • Emotionally self-indulgent
  • Often have difficulty with lighthearted topics
  • Gullible
  • Moody
  • Lack of self
  • Feel revitalized after a swim, bath, or shower


Esbats: Celebrating Full Moons

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Some people prefer to just celebrate the Sabbats. I see those as Sun holidays, since they are all determined by the solar calendar. The Esbats are Moon holidays, since they are determined by the moon. I think that celebrating both is important for a balance in my religious practice.

However, I had put off writing this article for a while because I never really celebrated these apart from a group. When I first started learning about Paganism in the form of Wicca, the only thing I knew to do to celebrate the full moon was to do a “Drawing Down of the Moon”. However, I had never progressed far enough in my Wiccan studies to learn how to do this, so once I started celebrating with a Circle that only sporadically celebrates full moons. For years, I didn’t really celebrate Full Moons. Sometimes I just forgot. Other times, I didn’t keep track of the full moons. Now that I am trying to revitalize my faith, I am trying to celebrate them. At the time of this writing, I still didn’t know how to do a “Drawing Down of the Moon”. I did some soul-searching and some research and this is what I came up with.

This is what this Esbat celebrates:

  • The most powerful time of the Lunar cycle
  • Most magically potent time of the Lunar cycle
  • The cyclic nature of life
  • Women’s monthly cycles
  • The Mother aspect of the Triple Goddess
  • Fertility and fruition

Here are some ways that I and others celebrate it culturally.

  • Dance under the full moon
  • Make some music: sing, play instruments, etc.
  • Walk outside
  • Bake moon cookies or crescent rolls
  • Make moon water
  • Do divination like runes, pentacles, tarot cards, etc.
  • Take a calming bath with candles, oils, or anything else that feels right to you.
  • Make a candle
  • Write poetry
  • Do something with the specific nature of which moon it is. Wear flowers for flower moon, eat strawberries for strawberry moon, etc.
  • Meditate

Here are some ideas for Full Moon rituals

  • Charge crystals, ritual tools, jewelry, or anything really
  • Write down any habits, fears, or anything else you want to get rid of. Burn the paper.
  • Ask the (usually female) deity of your choice for wisdom in a seashell. Hold the seashell to your ear to see what they have to say.
  • Consume moon water with ritual intent.
  • Do a purification ritual.
  • Any magical working that could use some extra power from the moon

Chorus Teaching In America (rant)

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I am a chorus teacher. I had debated whether or not to write this post, because I was concerned that it would give away my identity. Being a pagan teacher that is open about their spirituality has mostly resulted in job loss for me, so I hide it now. I did the math and realized just how many chorus teachers there are in my state alone and figured I was safe from being found out.

How the rest of the school reacts to what I do.

The thing about chorus is that it seems to be the most underrated of musical ensembles. I also didn’t start out wanting to be a chorus teacher. I was a band geek in high school. I played three instruments. I started taking chorus because I needed it to give me the 5 music credits I needed to avoid taking a language. We went through three chorus teachers my four years of high school. I just took it for the credits and because I liked accompanying for them on the piano. I went to college as an instrumental major and switched to a piano major. I didn’t realized that my emphasis switched from instrumental to vocal once I became a piano major. I didn’t discover it until my senior year when I was placed with a chorus teacher for my student teaching. I tried to get jobs teaching band, but only ended up teaching band as well as chorus in small schools.

I wish it was just me that underrated chorus as a musical ensemble, but it seems to be pretty universal. Most of my friends are band or orchestra teachers. They always post these great memes from these band or orchestra Facebook pages. I decided to look up chorus Facebook pages and came up short. There are very few chorus memes out there. Why is that? I tried to find various YouTube videos trying to figure out how to help my chorus get better and there wasn’t much either. There is something called ChoralNet, but again, people really don’t post often. Why is there no real sense of community between choral educators? Why isn’t there more sharing of information? It is very alienating and very frustrating.

I currently am the only chorus teacher in a small school. That means I get to teach the students at every grade level of chorus. I have an elementary chorus, a middle school chorus, and a high school chorus. My elementary chorus is huge with kids that mostly like to sing, learn quickly, and are proud of the end result. They aren’t terribly interested in putting in any extra time, but they seem to like chorus well enough. My middle school chorus is small. The students don’t sing loudly and is filled with the typical middle school attitude where they are afraid to show interest in anything because it isn’t cool. I know for a fact that maybe half of them really love to sing, but wouldn’t want that fact publicized. My high school chorus is a moderate size with a mix of students who love to sing and really want to be there (about 1/3 of the students) and the rest who are there because they need a music credit and because the grade will help bring up their average. In my teaching experience, this is pretty typical of all three of these age groups.

If I truly want to become good at my craft (for a number of years I was content to merely be “good enough”), I need to figure out how to balance creating a good concert, which is what my administrators, the parents, and the community expect; and teaching them what the national standards for music say I should teach them to become good musicians. Yes, they just came out with a new set of standards. While I mostly like this set of standards better, I was mostly taught how to teach the previous standards, so there is going to be an adjustment period for me where I have to learn new things. I have the additional problem of all of the students who have no interest in learning anything from me, especially the high schoolers. I think I mentioned that 2/3 of that chorus only want to do the minimum required to get their high grade that they have come to expect from chorus. These are kids that expect a “free day” whenever there is a substitute teacher. They also ask for it on a regular basis in both my middle and high schools. If I make chorus too difficult or spend too much time teaching concepts, I will have students quit and lower numbers look bad for me.

And then there is the topic of guys. Once there is a specific section for guys in middle school, you need to have enough guys to fill that section. Except society has been telling guys for years that singing isn’t manly. Even if you are a guy and you like to sing, you hit puberty and then your voice stops doing what you want it to as it adjusts to a newer lower range. And this can actually happen more than once. One of my tenors is 16 years old and just changed to a bass. He complained that his voice wasn’t acting right for the last three months. I told him not to worry and that it’s just his voice settling into a new lower range. So for every one of those changes, guys get more self-conscious because they are not singing the right notes and they know they are not singing the right notes. The other guys are just there to get a good grade and fool around. In each of my guys sections I am lucky to have one that enjoys singing and wants to be there. The others just fool around.

Everything you read here is nothing new to chorus teachers. We have to walk a fine line because we are an elective. We have to have students want to join chorus. Without numbers, we really wouldn’t exist. But I want my students to become good musicians and good singers. I want our group to be proud of themselves for what they can do instead of being indifferent with students sneaking looks at their cell phones behind their folders. Ugh.

Getting Unstuck – Pagans Restoring Their Path

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I realized that working on improving my spirituality alone wasn’t doing anything. Sadly, even blogging about it wasn’t doing anything either. I decided to start a Facebook group: Getting Unstuck: Pagans Restoring their Path. I had debated starting it for a long time because I was struggling too. What was I supposed to offer anyone who was going through the same problems I was?

It was interesting. Most of the people had some of the same problems of time. Others had just not done anything in a while and felt a disconnect. It has been nice to discuss this with others who go through the same things. I had a few initial ideas for the discussion of just getting to know everyone, but I don’t know where to go from there. On the bright side, I have meditated 4 out of 7 days this week, so I am happy about that! I feel like I’m starting to get a small connection back and my intuition seems to be slowly returning. Even so, I wish I knew what to do with this group and how to help everyone!

Day 4 of Abstinence (round 4)

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I got back working with my sponsor and finished going over my resentments, fears, and sexual regrets. I still hold onto a few resentments and fears after discussing them with her, but was told to just ask my higher power for help with those on a daily basis. I started doing that before I meditate. I have meditated 4 days out of 7 this week, which is a marked improvement. I also did strength training 2/3 times this week. I meant to do it three days a week to start with, so I am happy that I was able to do what I did. I am enjoying that I have more time, even though my husband is now working some evenings, requiring me to make dinner, do dishes, and hang out with our son. And I still feel more relaxed because I have that extra time with our son and extra time at home.

I broke my abstinence this week. I broke it over two cookies and returned to my abstinence right away. It was sort of intentional and sort of unintentional. I work at a school. I discovered that their baked goods usually have a small enough amount of sugar that I can eat them in my abstinence. Many of the other foods are like that there too. They have Italian ices and soda made with fruit juice. They had cookies for sale, so I thought it might have been the case. It wasn’t. They were full of sugar. I thought about asking my sponsor whether or not that meant I broke my abstinence. I thought about it and realized that if I had to ask, I probably did. So I re-set my count again. I am on day 4 (again).

My husband and I have a movie night once a week. We watched a movie based on an anorexic girl. She was in a facility with other people with eating disorders. Most of the other girls in the facility were bulimic or anorexic. There was one “token” fat girl who was a binge eater. I started thinking about it. Why are there so many movies about anorexic girls and none about binge eaters? I would hazard to guess that there are many more overeaters out there, considering the average BMI in this country. It’s because people would rather look at skinny girls, even the ones that are all bones and clearly unhealthy, than look at a fat girl.

When the movie was over, my husband and I got into a discussion about anorexia. He was surprised about how much knowledge I had on the subject. I told him I used to be interested in it as a disorder — probably because it was the exact opposite. I wished I was able to just not eat and lose all of my weight. I even spent some time looking up their “tips and tricks” to not eating. I even stopped eating for a whole three day stretch. But because of my issues, I couldn’t keep it up. I suppose it’s a good thing in hindsight, but I almost wished for it for a while.

I am back down to 226lbs (the weight I was at before I broke my abstinence). I only have 6 more lbs to go before I get to my pre-pregnancy weight! I have 27lbs to go before I get under 200lbs (my current weight-loss goal). I am hoping to try for another child soon and am hoping to at least be under 200lbs by then!

OA Recover – Day 1 of Abstinence (round three)

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Last week was probably one of the longest and most stressful weeks I have had in a very long time. I was working 14 hour days plus trying to find time for myself and my 1 1/2 year old. I hadn’t spoken to my sponsor in about three weeks because I felt like I just didn’t have the time for it, but partially because I really got sick of sending her the same meaningless phrase each day stating that I would follow specific eating rules. Needless to say, on the day before my presentation, I broke my abstinence of over 90 days. I went home and broke down and cried to my husband. I decided to just ride it out, eat what I wanted for the next day, then get back on the OA bandwagon on Sunday.

As much as I hate that I broke my abstinence, I learned some valuable lessons. I learned how much my body hurt after binging on sugar. I also learned how all sugar seemed to taste the same after so long. I have never really used this phrase before, but everything I ate — cookies, brownies, chocolate bars, seemed too sweet.

I posted that I broke my abstinence and that I would start again two days later on an OA support group on Facebook. They just told me that it wouldn’t happen and that the “tomorrow mindset” never worked for anybody. Everybody assumed that I wouldn’t actually be abstinent the next day like I said I would. Well, I did. To be honest, it really bothered me that people didn’t have faith that I would do what I said I would do. To be fair, they were probably just judging me how they themselves would act. The next day, I got back on the abstinence bandwagon and discovered that I had gained 4lbs in those two days. I kept it up until later in the week I wanted a cookie. So I had a cookie and went right back to being abstinent. I am now questioning whether or not I really do have a problem with overeating or not.

I am currently on day 3 on my third round of abstinence. I contacted my sponsor, apologized for the long absence, and we got back to step work. I really don’t like how her response to almost everything is “let it go and give it up to your higher power”, but I am still willing to give it a try. She also seems to have forgotten that I am Pagan in that time. She referred to “Him” and I asked who she was referring to. She meant my higher power, but assumed it was male and singular (sigh). I didn’t lay into her about it, but it bothered me. Then she sent me another meme about “God” and I told her my higher power wasn’t necessarily singular or male and let it go. My first sponsor was Pagan, but required a higher level of accountability than I actually needed. I am still not sure about this one, but am doing the best I can!

People Who Prey on Abuse Victims

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I only have a limited amount of time on weekends to work on my blog. I had intended to write about other things today when someone decided to message me on facebook. After a few lines of polite small talk, she says, “So I run my own business from home that way I can be with my kids and support them but I also am trying to help other women out who have been abused because our foundation is for abused women and it hits close for me . All I would need is ur email address to do a virtual party then I would give u the link to share that way other women can learn about use and our retreat in Utah and see what we have to offer. If ur interested great if not that’s fine too”

So I finally got her to send me a link. It turned out to be a MLM company for make-up. For those of you who don’t know, a MLM is where the real money is made by getting other people to sell the same products you do rather than actually selling the product. A google search came up with a bunch of bad reviews and scam warnings for this company. When I told her I wasn’t interested in doing an MLM, she flat out lied and said, “Oh sorry never heard of it like that. No this is a huge buissness that is going world wide to reach out to women and help change their lives. Like I said I have helped over 300 women myself. Weather it was giving them a safe place or being a listening ear or helping give them the hope back that was taken from them. Not everything is always about money it’s good to help change ppls lives just for the fact they need that and they deserve that”

The rest of the conversation went downhill really quickly

Me: “And here I thought it was about selling cosmetics and profiting off of the fact that you got others to do it too.”
Her: “It’s about giving this women their power back cuz if u were ever abused u end up feeling powerless and ashamed and guilty for what someone else did to u and that’s not right we shouldn’t have to feel that way. Going through ur whole life feeling unsafe or hopeless sucks being able to give other abused women’s lives back is amazing it really is”
Me: “Wow. So you prey on people with low self-esteem to try and get them to pay $100 each to sell make-up and you call it helping them?”
Her: “Call it what u want but ik what it is for me and other women out there who were abused like me. This is a chance for them to change there lives like I did and find their true potential and beauty. It’s a chance for them to go away on amazing vacations and just feel good about their selves Clearly u haven’t been abused and I’m glad u haven’t u don’t have have to live with it like so many of us do it’s nice to feel like we belong and have a purpose
Me: “Fuck off. You don’t know me. Yes. I was abused, but I have gotten over it enough to have enough self-esteem to see you are scamming these poor abuse victims into thinking they can make money selling shoddy make-up. Shame on you for exploiting them.”

I am very angry. This is the worst kind of marketing tactic. Let’s target the people who have had the shittiest treatment, get them to pay us money to sell our shoddy product, and discard them when they come to their senses and realize they can’t make money at this. Any abuse survivors out there: please be aware of this and please don’t fall for it! This is one of the more despicable business plans I have seen to date and I am outraged by it. This is just wrong!

Why is it so difficult to be body positive?

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When you are a baby, fat is good. People look at the rolls and comment on how cute the “chunky thighs”. A chubby toddler is cute too because they are still growing out of their baby fat. Once a child gets school age, the negative comments tend to roll in, especially if the chubby child is a female. Working in schools, I have heard adults refer to chubby girls just starting school as a “little meatball” or “little chunker”. That’s where it starts. As young as kindergarten. I remember inviting the “fat girl” to my birthday party as a child. I didn’t actually know her all that well, but knew her as the fat girl. As we got older, she got bigger and bigger. She smelled bad, so nobody wanted to be around her. People made fun of her. I didn’t understand why, but saw that apparently fat was something you made fun of.

As you grow up, especially as a woman, you are constantly told by advertisements and media that you are not good enough. Your face isn’t shaped right, so you should fix it with makeup. You have pimples or blackheads, so you should use special products to make them go away. Buy hair products so your hair can be right. Your body isn’t shaped right, so you must eat a specific diet or work out so you can fit the right mold. Buy body shapers. Buy clothes to flatter your figure. Buy. Buy. Buy.

What nobody every told me was that these images were unattainable. These photographs were altered or they were taken of someone who was a winner of the genetic lottery. No amount of make-up, cleansers, dieting, or exercising is going to get you to look like these people in advertisements. There are several billion-dollar industries telling you how you should look.

Opposing that is the multi-billion dollar industry selling you food that will undo all of that. They do research into how much it takes you to be satiated and make their bags slightly smaller so you have to buy two. They do research into what tastes good and bombard your taste buds with those flavors. They add fillers and preservatives so it will have a longer shelf life. And none of it is good for your body. They won’t tell you that. Those chips are gluten free. Those cookies are low-fat. They will find some way to spin everything. And to top it all off, this food is somehow cheaper than buying fruits and vegetables that have had no modifications done to it! This is how our nation has become plus-sized. They offer cheaper, convenient food that tastes good that you can fit into your busy schedule.

The average woman in the U.S.A. is between a size 16 and 18. Anyone who has shopped in these sizes should know that these sizes vary widely. According to Wikipedia, the average size 18 is bust: 43 “, waist: 34″, and hips: 44.5”. With all my weight-loss, I bought a pair of sized 18 jeans last week, even though my measurements were larger than that. It was the first time in years I was able to buy jeans from the “regular” section. That’s good because the same pair of jeans from the same brand that was a size 20 was $50. The pair I bought were $24.50.

In addition to it still being okay to make fun of fat people, those who are overweight are being screwed over in other ways as well. As I mentioned earlier, clothes cost disproportionately more when you are in plus sizes. There are less brand names that carry your sizes, so you have less to choose from and it’s less likely you will look good in what you buy. Larger butts don’t fit in regular sized seats. When I was pregnant, I had to stop going to certain movie theaters because my hips swelled up too wide and I couldn’t fit in the seats. Airlines charge extra for larger seats for larger passengers. If someone in a wheelchair needed to fly, do you think they would be charged extra!? No. But it’s still okay to discriminate against fat people.

Nobody actually calls it discrimination, but that’s what it is. Before I got pregnant, I was the picture of health — on paper, except for my weight. But I had rolls and stretch marks, so I couldn’t actually be healthy. My doctors couldn’t figure out how I could be large and still healthy. That’s where this discrimination comes from, the idea that it’s okay to discriminate against people, because we did this to ourselves. We made ourselves fat by eating too much or the wrong things or not exercising. When, in reality, these companies are marketing all of these foods that not only make you fat, but are addictive. And they get away with it because everyone can still discriminate against fat people. They claim they are worried for their health. If they were really concerned about our health, there would be body-positive ads on tv. There would be as many commercials about vegetables as for junk food. Food lobbyists wouldn’t be allowed to influence the national food pyramid (or whatever it is they’re calling it this year).

And then social media tells me to love my body. Even though it’s 39 years old, has several surgery scars, a large pooch from where my son lived for 10 months, some whiteheads on my cheeks, some stretchmarks on my belly, too much hair on some areas, mis-matched boobs, hair that won’t do what I want it to, joints that tell me that I am either too heavy or getting old, muscles that won’t do what I want them to anymore, fat rolls, and not enough energy to get me through the day. I am supposed to suddenly love all of that? After being told my whole life that I am not good enough, that I must pay extra because I’m fat, that I will never live up to the ideal beauty, that because of my sex I am often defined and judged by my looks, but I am supposed to forget all of the conditioning and just suddenly love myself!? I have seen through that false advertising long ago, but it’s still a whole lot to swallow. I would love to love my body, but I’m just not sure I can.